


The Ask

by lollercakes



Series: It's All in Your Head [8]
Category: Anne of Green Gables - L. M. Montgomery, Anne with an E (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-06
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-08-10 20:20:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 43,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20141404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lollercakes/pseuds/lollercakes
Summary: Anne is looking to fill a lonely summer in Kingsport but has one problem - she hasn't quite figured out the whole sex thing yet. With a moody poet on the horizon, what better way to learn than to practice with her best and most trust-worthy friend?Shameless, absolutely shameless smut with barely any semblance of a plot or really a story at all.





	1. Foreplay

It was too hot. Too damn hot to keep sitting here under the beating sun, hair piled atop my head as my skin crisps under the bright July sun. But I was doing it because Phil had asked me to, something about her boyfriend needing moral support at a recreational frisbee game, and there was no way I could let her down in pursuit of her romantic ideal. That, and I needed out of the house at least for a little while to celebrate the coming days of summer.

“Are you sure you don’t want to move into the shade?” Gilbert Blythe asks from his place in front of me, his towering frame motioning to the patch of grass beside him that was blissfully, utterly shrouded by the leaves overhead. 

“I’m sure,” I answer briskly. I was still not over the razzing he’d given me at the end of exams when he’d lauded his higher scores over me, his unsportsmanlike conduct souring my opinion of him for the time being. 

Or maybe it was because he was too terribly good-smelling today to be within any reasonable vicinity of and I refused to acknowledge it like the adult that I was. That, and because looking too closely at him lately made my nerves fray in a way I couldn’t quite explain. 

“You’re going to get burnt again,” he adds as I look off towards the other summer revellers in the park, my sunglasses thankfully hiding the way my eyes flick back towards him and then drift to the reason for my tempting burnt skin.

“That’s a Future Anne problem, Gil. Don’t worry about Future Anne, okay?” I respond hotly. I would worry about Future Anne later because maybe then Future Anne would have already reeled in her own romantic ideal for the coming summer months that she would be spending alone at Patty’s Place.

Roy Gardner,  _ Royal _ , had shared an English Lit class with me since the start of the semester and I’d been trying to capture his attention for the past four months with little success. At times I thought I was close - we’d had coffee at least a handful of times already - but every time I caught him out in public he would chafe under my attention and find another girl to sidle up to by the end of the night. The rejection was quite honestly starting to wear me thin and though I tried, I couldn’t figure out why I kept attempting to get him to notice me. It was infuriating. I should know better and yet… I told myself it had to be his bad boy mystique and his moody poetry. Somehow it had drawn me in and I was helpless doomed never to escape. 

“I have to worry about Future Anne. It’s been bred into me since we were kids,” Gilbert laments, breaking into my thoughts as he tosses me his blue button up shirt. I turn and catch sight of his torso clad only in his undershirt before the fabric hits abruptly against my face, enveloping me in his scent.

“ _ Gil _ ,” I groan, holding his shirt at arm’s length.  _ Gods, did it smell good _ . 

“Put it on or I’m calling Marilla,” he threatens with a cocky smile, one that knows he's played the trump card. I do what I’m told, the threat of Marilla honest and fair and an exact target that he knows to hit to get me to listen to him.

“Fine. But I want you to do me a favour.” 

“What kind of favour is that?” His brow lifts and I’m certain he leans forward, ready for a secret to be shared between us.  _ If only _ , I scoff internally, finally turning my gaze fully towards him. 

“I want you to go ask Roy why he won’t ask me out like a real man. Do it all bro-y like. See what his problem is,” I request and despite the heat, despite the freckles and the paleness I’ve managed for years, I can feel the red heat rise up my throat at every word and my skin flush like a tomato.

“What?” The request seems to catch him off guard and he recoils, confusion lacing his expression as he looks directly at me. I’m not sure what I see in his eyes but I know I’ve put my foot in something big, his smile disappearing for the first time since he dropped down across from me.

“Gil, please go ask Royal Gardner out for me,” I repeat boldly, pushing the instinctive nerves that bubble to the surface back into the depths of my belly. I was going to do this, even if it killed me. 

“Anne, no,” he answers, a brisk shake of his head as he looks away. “I’m not doing that for you. No.” 

“Please Gil! Come on, remember when I asked Ruby out for you? This is the same!” I urge and he rubs his hands across his face in frustration. 

“That was different!” He responds hotly and gets to his feet. I don’t expect him to move so quickly and all I can do is bolt upward with him as he grabs for his backpack. I feel my stomach roll, a spark of frustration starting to build.

“How was it different? Because she was our friend? Because we were younger? You know that’s not fair! I thought we were friends!” I call out, glaring at him. With his bag over his shoulder he turns towards me, his mouth in a firm line. 

“It just was!” His words seem final and I shrink under them, slowly easing the shirt from my shoulders as he groans and twists away. “Keep it! I still don’t want you to get skin cancer!” 

“Gil,” I sigh, holding the shirt between us as though as a peace offering.

“No,” is all he grumbles, turning and walking away from the place where he’d once sat. I watch as he stalks off, my fingers clinging tightly to the shirt fabric as though I still held a piece of him with me. It was all I could do to not let myself collapse to the ground, embarrassment and nerves fraying as my best friend abandons me under the trees.

I’ve half convinced myself that he’s never going to talk to me again when he stops mid-stride, turning on his heel before heading pointedly towards where Roy is relaxing with a group of his friends across the park.

Like watching the exchange in slow motion, I stare with rapt attention as Gilbert approaches the group and pulls Roy aside. They talk for a few minutes before they both look my way, Roy’s face breaking into a wide grin as Gilbert’s face remains an unbroken mask. When eventually Gilbert walks away from the man I watch him go, my hands tight in my lap as my nails dig into my palms.

It’s Roy who breaks me out of my stare, his smooth voice greeting me with a startle as I look up towards him. 

“Roy!” I greet brightly, hopping to my feet in surprise. Across the park Gilbert’s frame starts to blend with the trees, his presence slowly disappearing from my sight as I turn my attention towards the man above me.

“Hey! Your friend mentioned… Nevermind. You wanna go get a drink?” 

* * *

I can’t believe how great the night has gone. One drink has turned to three, the distance between us went from one foot to zero, and before I realized it we were heading towards home in the early summer evening, the soft baritone of Roy’s voice soothing my racing heart. 

“You know, you’re a lot more chill than I realized,” he remarks as we stand on my porch, Patty’s Place looming overhead. I lean against the doorway, my gaze drawn to his eyes as he towers over me. “Are you sure I can’t come in - “ 

“Not - I mean, tonight isn’t a good night. All the girls are home and - “ 

“Oh. Okay,” he stiffens, easing back as I mumble on about how the relentless teasing from my housemates would follow me for months if I let him come in. 

Secretly though I wasn’t nervous about the girls - I was more worried about my  _ own _ reactions. I’d never had a boy in my room, especially not one this late at night, and I didn’t know where to put my hands or how to deal with the way he seemed to crowd too much into my space. There was no way I could handle him, handle my  _ first time _ , tonight. Absolutely not. 

“Maybe next week though? Most of them are heading home for the summer and I’ll have the place to myself…” I ask, tilting to look at him with a small smile on my lips. His mouth breaks into a wolfish grin and he nods, his hands reaching out to drag me against him. 

It happens in a blink - one minute I’m standing in the doorway, a safe space between us, and the next Roy has his hands on my hips, his mouth pressing forcefully to mine in a harsh kiss. I try to soften it, to relax into it, but my instinct pulls me back and out of his embrace. 

“Yes,” I whisper, for lack of anything else to say. Roy takes it as a sign and reaches to brush a strand of hair from my face, his smile growing wider. 

“Until another night then. Sleep well, Anne,” he bids and disappears from my front porch and off into the night. 

I’m pulled into the house by a flurry of movement, the girl’s surrounding me and asking for juicy details as I try to process what’s just happened. Phil is beyond herself, the words steamrolling out of her as Pris eagerly joins in. It’s Stella who looks at me head on, a reserved look on her face as she watches me try to recall the moment’s events. 

“Was it as magical as you had hoped?” Phil asks dreamily, her gaze turning upward as she no doubt thinks of her own shared intimacies with her beau Jonas. 

“Very much so,” I whisper, my fingers drifting against my lips. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt but I couldn’t help but think that maybe this is what it was like to finally kiss the man of your dreams. 

“Will you see him again soon, Anne?” Pris questions, leaning in towards me. 

“Yes. I think so. He seemed quite enthusiastic about another date,” I confirm. It’s then that Stella shifts and catches my eye, her brow raised suspiciously. “What?” 

“I mean, this is all rather sudden, don’t you think? A boy bringing you home and asking to come inside for the night? Don’t you want to - I don’t know - get to know him a bit first?” 

“Stella! You’re so old fashioned! The times have changed, Anne can do whatever - and  _ whoever _ \- she pleases!” Phil calls back as we begin heading upstairs. 

“I’m not saying she can’t, Phil. I’m just saying there’s nothing wrong with taking things slowly, especially if - “ 

“Stella - come  _ on _ !” Phil stalls and turns to look at the girl who brings up the rear of the staircase procession. Pris and I stand between them, eyes wide at the exchange. “Let Anne go after something for once! She’s a big girl! Plus she has all summer to fill once we're gone, she'll need to expand her horizons anyways." 

“Fine! Don’t listen to me then!” Stella groans and storms towards her room, not looking back as she closes the door in our faces. Pris squeezes my shoulder gently before retreating to her own room leaving Phil and I standing alone in the hallway. 

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Anne, but I know you’ve been eyeing him for some time now. You’re allowed to have a little fun!” Phil finishes and then places a kiss on my cheek before disappearing into her own room. 

I spend the night tossing and turning in bed, uncertainty plaguing my every thought as I twist in my cotton sheets. Sure, Roy was attractive and interested in me now but I had no idea what to do with that. I’d never been kissed like  _ that _ before and I had definitely never been through the bases like Phil had with Jonas (which I’d learned in every excruciating detail after the fact) but that didn’t mean I didn’t want to at least try. I had to grow up eventually, right? 

But what if I did it wrong? Or worse, if I was bad at it? What if it got around college that I was rubbish in bed? I’d never live it down and Roy would know and surely there was nothing worse than that in the world. 

No. I had to figure out how to get good at it  _ before _ I put myself at risk for being exposed as an inexperienced fool. That was my only option really.

_ Gilbert.  _

Gilbert had always helped me study, he’d been there through every entrance exam, every late night studying session I’d put myself through to be top of my class. He knew the way my brain worked and how to help me understand the answers that I struggled with most. He was also  _ experienced _ , which I needed now more than ever. His on-again off-again relationship with Ruby throughout highschool and first year had definitely given him enough intel to at least help me get versed in the basics - I knew that from a few uninvited discussions from the girl herself. 

The best part about this solution was that he  _ knew  _ me. We’d been friends for years. If anyone was going to be able to keep my insecurities to themselves it was going to be Gilbert - he’d already shown as much with the way he had been there for me at my weakest moments. Especially that night after prom when he’d listened to my drunken ramblings throughout the night as he’d held my hair back from the toilet. 

Gilbert was the solution to this problem. Now I just had to convince him to go along with it. 


	2. The Agreement

“Excuse me?” Gilbert breathes, his hand tightening its grip around his pen. I lean closer to his shoulder, my heart beating quickly in my chest. 

“I asked if you would teach me how to have sex,” I repeat, barely above the sound of a page turning. Beside me I can practically feel Gilbert exhale, his whole body shifting with the effort.

There’s a long pause, one that causes me to finally let go of the breath I’d been holding, before Gilbert snaps his book shut and gets to his feet. His movements turn militant, his attention focused on the table in front of him as he packs away his things. 

“Where are you going?” I ask hotly, standing up beside him and grabbing his bag from his hands. His eyes meet mine then, an angry jolt bursting from the base of my spine to my belly. 

“I’m leaving,” he utters, jerking the bag back into his grip. 

“I figured that out. I meant  _ why _ ?” 

“Is it not perfectly fucking obvious to you why I’m leaving after you ask me something like that?” He growls as he slides his backpack onto his shoulders. I watch, stunned, as he turns on his heel and begins to retreat towards the exit.

“But I need your help,” I say lowly just as he’s about to climb the staircase leading from the library’s basement, our favourite study spot. Gilbert pauses on the stairs, his shoulders around his ears as I watch him shake his head, a silent and definite 'no' radiating from him with every paused breath he takes. 

From my spot next to the table I watch as his hand clenches around the railing, his whole being vibrating as I look on. One minute spans to two and I’m thankful that nobody bothers to come down here, his behaviour sure to have garnered attention by now as he stands frozen to the spot. 

But then he turns back to face me, his shoulders relaxing and his fingers rubbing fitfully against his brow. 

“Sit down,” he grumbles as he returns to the table, turning his chair until it’s facing mine head on. He sits heavily into it, his elbows on his knees as I slowly come down to join him at eye level. I’d expected the conversation to be weird, obviously, but I hadn’t expected it to go  _ like this _ . 

Another minute of silence passes. I open my mouth to speak, desperate to fill the void, and he shushes me before I can even get a word out. Two more minutes pass. 

“What  _ exactly _ is it that you want from me, Anne?” He asks softly, his gaze turned towards the floor. I wish, secretly, silently, that he would look at me right now. If only to see that he wasn’t still angry. Or that I wasn’t asking to kill his favourite pet. 

“I want to learn how to have sex so that I’m not… So that I’m not as  _ me _ when I do it with someone - “ 

“What’s wrong with being you during it? Isn’t that why this person is with you?” He interjects, frustration creeping into his voice. 

“Come on, Gil. You  _ know _ I’m a little much on my best days! I need to get all of that out of my system so I can be normal when it happens. I don’t want to make a fool of myself and not know what goes where and - “ 

“I can give you my anatomy textbook - “ 

“That isn’t what I mean and you know it!” I snap, finally drawing his gaze up to mine. “I just want to be good at this one thing and I have no other way to figure it out without someone else’s help.” 

“Anne, everyone has a first time and it’s a mess and nobody is good at it. That’s why it should be with someone who means something to you,” he adds softly, his hand reaching to wrap around mine. I look away, hot tears filling my eyes at his response. I’d expected resistance but not this… This gentle denial. It was almost worse. 

“I just want to try it with someone I trust first. You know I haven’t had the best track record with the men in my life and I didn’t want to ruin this. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked,” I whisper, withdrawing my hand and easing back in my chair. 

Thoughts of my miserable past relations flicker across my memories and it’s all I can do to steel myself against them. Despite my best efforts I can’t help but recall the heavy hands of my early families - the ones who had me before I came to Green Gables and did their best to break me down. It had been hard to school myself to a place where I could let men near me, where I could accept hugs from Matthew and allow a playful touch from Gilbert but I'd gotten there after years of practice and hard work. I couldn't risk it being ruined, not by something like this.

_ “Why do you do that?” Gilbert asked as I shifted away from his open arms. We’d just received notice of our acceptance to Redmond and he’d moved to grab me up in a celebratory hug while I had markedly moved out of reach.  _

_ “Do what?” I responded, looking out towards the forest as I tried to steady my breathing.  _

_ “You don’t - I mean… Every time I - it’s stupid of me to think - but, everytime I try to touch you or whatever it’s like you recoil. Did I do something?” He tried to hide the wounded look on his face but it only half-disappeared as he stumbled the question past his lips. Internally I froze like a rabbit caught in an open field, my mouth turning dry as I tried to formulate the words. “You don’t have to tell - “  _

_ “I don’t have the best experience with people touching me,” I whispered, flicking my eyes towards him and then back to the forest. “Sorry. It’s not you - “  _

_ “No - don’t apologize Anne. I’m the one who should be saying sorry. I didn’t realize - “  _

_ “It’s not your fault - “  _

_ “I’m still sorry it happened to you. You don’t deserve that,” he added. In my periphery I saw his hands clench and I chanced a look towards his face, swallowing thickly as the look of silent fury swept across his features.  _

_ “It’s in the past now anyways,” I urged, stepping towards him and gripping his hands in mine. The fury eased and he spared a look towards me as a smile softened his features.  _

_ “You know - I could help you with it,” he joked, his fingers linking with mine.  _

_ “Yeah? Maybe I’ll take you up on that one day.”  _

We sit in silence, the only sound that of the air exchange rumbling on in the background as surely the memory shares the space between us. 

Gilbert is the one to break first, his hands brushing brusquely across his face before he looks at me dead on. I almost shrink under his gaze, my arms coming across my chest after wiping the few stray tears from my cheeks.

“You know I can’t ever say no to you, Carrots,” he sighs. My heart thumps in my chest and butterflies fill my belly at his words. “If we’re going to do this then I want ground rules. And not flimsy ground rules like no coffee after midnight. I want us to write them down and sign them and if at any point one of us breaks them then we both need to stop. No questions asked.” 

“I can agree to that,” I respond slowly, reaching for my notebook and pen. I can’t believe he’s agreed to it or that I’ve just made a deal to learn how to get laid by my best friend. Who even  _ was _ I right now? 

We agree on six rules. 

  1. Sex and related activities _only_. A schedule will be kept to ensure we meet the goals of the endeavour. 
  2. No talking about this with _anyone_, especially the girls. 
  3. The Limited Time Only Clause - One week. We would not agree to extend the experiment period for any reason to allow us to transition back to friends after. 
  4. No additional partners during the duration of the agreement, for communicable health safety reasons. Proper precautions must also be taken every time, no exceptions. 
  5. No lying or coercion - both parties have to be in full agreement with the chosen activities or else it stops, no question. 
  6. Absolutely no kissing on the mouth, at all. 

Gilbert was steadfast on the last item, much to my annoyance. I wanted to learn that too, but he would not relent so I reluctantly wrote it down.  _ He _ was doing  _ me  _ the favour, afterall, and I could give him this as a middle ground. Besides, maybe he had a point with it being too intimate.

“When do you want to start?” He asks as I lean my arms against the table, my chin resting in my palms. 

“Up to you,” I answer, glancing at him through the corner of my eyes. Gilbert shifts beside me, leaning in and drifting his hand along the line of my spine. It makes my body sing in an unexpected and traitorous way and I nearly shiver at his touch. 

“We’ve only got a week, right? Would you like to start now?” His words drift along my neck, his breath minty fresh as he eases ever closer to me. I could already feel my insides melting, my skin prickling with gooseflesh as his body invaded my space. 

I was going to die. Gilbert was going to kill me with this exercise and I was going to die and there was no coming back from this. What have I done? Why had I asked him to do this? All of the tears I’d witnessed Ruby cry when he ended things, all of the mournful stories she shared as she lay drunk on the bathroom floor of Patty’s Place. She’d called him  _ spellbinding _ for God’s sake. 

“No? We don’t have to - Rule 5,” he murmurs and though I want nothing more than for him to get closer in that second, I can feel him pull back at my lack of response, his body withdrawing from my space. 

“Gil,” I finally whisper, looking up at him with wide eyes. I don’t know if I’m scared or turned on or what but something is most definitely happening to me as I meet his gaze with mine. 

“Tell me to stop and I will. We absolutely do not have to go through with this. We can stop,” he affirms, his hand dropping from where it rests on my hip. 

“I don’t want to,” I whisper so throatily that I feel like I smoke ten packs a day. Gilbert smiles then, a flash of excitement crossing his face before disappearing behind the composed look he reserves for right before he walks into an exam room. 

“Okay.  _ Okay. _ ” He exhales and scoots his chair closer until his knee is bumping my thigh, his one hand returning to my hip and his other lifting to cup my cheek in his palm. “The first thing and really the most important thing you need to understand is that if it doesn’t feel good you don’t have to do it.” 

“I think I understand the concept of consent, Gil,” I interrupt, a cocky smile filling my features and belying the nerves fraying in me. 

“Duh. But I mean with someone else it’s different. Do you know how to tell someone else how to make you feel good? I know you know how to tell them off like a master linguist, but do you know how to talk about what you want?” His voice drops an octave as his hand slides to my thigh, drifting along the exposed skin of my legs. His knuckle leaves a burning trail to my knee and I nearly groan aloud when his fingers graze the seam of my jean shorts. 

“Are we really going to do this here?” I hiss, fully aware of the way my body has tightened under his much-wanted attention. 

“Would you rather we go to the stacks?” I nod at that and he grabs our bags, his large hand wrapping around mine and pulling us towards the shelves. 

We weave and duck down lines of books until we’re in the back of the library, hidden from any wayward students who had no concept of how to read the Dewey Decimal System. It’s there, against a bookcase that Gilbert guides me back against the shelves and drops our bags to the floor. I can feel the heat radiating off of him, his tall frame shadowing mine in the dim light.

“Where were we?” He murmurs, his hands drifting to my waist and resting there until I meet his gaze once more. Seeking my approval he stills until I nod, a smooth chuckle falling from his lips at the way I gasp under his touch. “Yes - that’s a good sign.” 

My knees nearly buckle as he leans in, his teeth nibbling at a place along my neck as his hands snake beneath my shirt. His callused fingers, rough from years of farm work, graze across my skin and leave trails of fire in their wake, first across my belly and then up, skirting the underwire of my bra. Underneath the thin cotton garment I can feel my nipples hardening as his palms cup me, the light squeeze he bestows making the breath freeze in my lungs. My body jolts as his teeth pull gently at my earlobe and I realize he's somehow found my most sensitive parts in mere seconds. 

I try not to think about the way my legs clench together or how his hands seem to drift lower and lower still. Instead I let my thoughts focus on how surely he must be spinning a spell over me, his influence undoubtedly like harnessing witchcraft as I react to his every move. With his attention fully on me, his hands work to slip open the button on my shorts and he hums for my approval once more before slipping his fingers into the fabric of my underwear. 

“Tell me how you like to be touched,” he breathes into my ear, my legs shaking as my arms come to wrap around his neck. I have to hold on for dear life, certain that if I were to let go I'd fall to my death. “Or, you can show me yourself. I know how much you love being the boss,” he adds softly, carefully easing my hand down from around his neck and into the front of my shorts. 

Hand steady beneath mine, he slides a tentative finger along my slit until I shift and press my hips instinctively towards him, towards his touch and the spark it stokes within me.

“Jesus,” I whimper as he swipes along my flesh, my own fingers clenching against the back of his neck. 

“Show me what to do, Anne. You have to be able to communicate about this.” His words are pointed, instructional, and I want to lose myself in the feelings overwhelming me but I can’t. Not yet. 

My fingers are slow to slide between his, my index and middle finger taking the lead as I start to press against my clit in a rotating pattern. Gilbert releases a broken groan, his body shifting until he’s tucked closer, his own hand following my guidance as slowly we work in sync with one another. 

“Do you like anything else? When you’re alone at night?” He asks as I start to withdraw my hand and leave his to continue the motion. The question makes my mouth run dry, it's boldness sharp in the heated moment.

“Sometimes I…” I pause and he stills, his breathing heavy against my shoulder while he waits for me to finish my sentence. “Sometimes I finger myself - “ 

“Like this?” He asks and slips his middle finger through my folds, the large digit sliding into me and making me gasp. “Or this?” His index finger joins and I nearly collapse then, my arms tightening around his shoulders as slowly he begins a steady rhythm in and out, his thumb careful to continue the motion on my clit. 

“You’re much better at this than I have been, clearly,” I joke breathlessly, moaning as my fingers tangle in his unruly curls. 

“Nah, I’m just a quick study,” he mumbles over my gasping breaths, a smile breaking across his features as I start to grind down against his hand. “That’s it. Now you’re getting it.” His voice softens as I rest my forehead on his shoulder. 

“Gods, I  _ need  _ more,” I mewl embarrassingly, my skin flushing as I remember that my best friend is currently getting me off in the basement of a library. 

“Good. That's good. How about this?” He counters and lifts my knee with his free hand, opening me up to give him a better angle so that his fingers can go deeper. It seems to do the trick and I groan as he moves inside me, his 'come hither' motion pressing against a spot that nearly has me falling apart right then and there. 

"I'm so close," I moan and he chuckles, pulling his fingers out for a moment and then sliding them back in, three this time as he stretches my walls. It feels almost too much and I know he must feel the crescents of my nails on his neck, the pressure causing my legs to weaken.

"It's okay to let go, I’ve got you," he murmurs into my ear, continuing his movements until I’m lost, falling apart, my teeth biting into his shoulder to keep the orgasm from echoing across the cement space. 

Somehow I seem to recoup myself, my leg shaking as he releases it and I try to steady myself against the bookcase. While I focus on returning my breathing to something resembling normalcy, Gilbert carefully zips up my shorts and rebuttons them, righting my clothing and stepping back from me. The loss of him so close feels like a blanket ripped from around me on a winter morning, the cool air of the basement making my skin chill instantly. 

“Good first lesson Miss Shirley,” he mumbles as he wipes my wetness from his fingers on his pants. Reaching for our bags he's careful to hand mine to me like a bellman at a hotel, keeping himself at a distance. I try to catch his gaze, try to get him to return his focus to me if only for a minute, but he only steps back and motions back towards the way we had come. “It’s getting late. I’ve got a thing in the morning. Why don’t we get together tomorrow around two? Text me what you want to focus on, okay?” 

His words blur together as he hastily moves towards the exit, my legs moving at twice the pace to keep up as I try to figure out what to say. Was 'thank you' off the table? Was it too pedestrian? Or worse, was it insulting to not acknowledge how good it actually felt with his fingers inside me and his breath on my neck? Should I include a compliment? Why was this so hard?

“Gil - Gil wait!” I call as we spill onto the street outside. He turns on his heel to look at me, his face emotionless while I can still feel the moisture between my legs that very clearly reminded me of the intimacy we’d shared not moments ago. 

But I know this look. It’s the same one he puts on to hide the emotions that I know run vibrant and deep within him. The same look that tells me I'm Icarus and I'm flying too close to the sun. Now was not the time to fuck with him unless I was ready to face whatever was running on the surface of his thoughts. And I wasn't. Not tonight in my post-orgasmic haze.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” He calls, his voice hollow for the first time in years. 

“Tomorrow then.” I answer and watch him go, a hint of doubt about our agreement creeping into my mind. Maybe this was a bad idea after all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm super excited that you guys are looking forward to this story! It makes me so giddy to post it and see what you think. Now, onto the reason for the rating...


	3. Jump Feet First

“What are we doing at the pharmacy?” I question as Gilbert guides me through the doors. We’d been hanging out for most of the afternoon, the mood like it usually was as we bantered and went on about nothing and everything at the same time. I almost believed that the entire situation yesterday had never happened, the whole thing a made up imagining that had me feeling aftershocks all night.   


But then he turned me down the family planning aisle and grabbed at my hand as I was about to walk by the contraception section, his gaze focused solely on the selection before him.   


“We’re making you go through the sometimes alienating practice of buying condoms because no friend of mine is going to not use condoms when they’re getting laid,” he affirms, pointing to the shelf and quirking a brow as I look up at him.   


“Why would buying them be alienating?” I counter, pulling a box from the shelf and looking at it.   


“Many reasons. One possibility is because you just pulled out a box of flavoured ones - great for oral but not ideal for intercourse though they will suffice in a pinch. Another reason is that the professors  _ also _ shop here - “   


“What?” I jump, the box dropping from my hands as I look quickly around. Gilbert leans down and grabs the box from the floor, returning it to the shelf and sliding his finger along the labels.   


“Yep. So they will definitely always find you in this aisle and manage to strike up a conversation. Which is why I have on my handy disguise today,” he adds, motioning to the baseball cap that is currently sprouting his dark curls from underneath.

“I have no effective way of hiding this hair!” I groan in realization, covering my face as he laughs and proceeds to take a box off the shelf. Reaching for my hand he puts the box in my palm and turns us towards the check out.   


“This isn’t so bad,” I whisper, adding a chocolate bar and a drink to my items for purchase.   


“Wait. Number three is about to appear.”   


“That’ll be $28.52.” The cashier says, her brow lifting as she makes eye contact with me.   


“Twenty dollars?!” I hiss, looking over my shoulder as Gilbert lifts his hands in the air. “This price is ludicris, ma’am. The student center - “   


“Here,” Gilbert interjects, holding his card aloft and then tapping it on the machine. “Come on.” He takes the bag from the counter and steers me out onto the street once more, ready for me to continue my rant about the cost.   


“You didn’t have to buy them. It’s not like I’ve got anything to make you sick,” I lament, my arms crossed over my chest as we walk towards my house which was thankfully empty that afternoon.   


“We do need them, Anne. You should always use them unless you’re trying to get pregnant or you absolutely feel like you don’t need them because of who you’re with for your own reasons. I know you don’t have anything to give me but have you thought of asking if maybe I could transmit something to you? Did you even think to ask?”   


I look up at him then, my brow furrowed. “Do you have something? When was the last time you were tested?”   


“Three months ago and it came back clear and no I haven’t been with anyone since,” he pauses and then continues walking, opening the door to Patty’s Place as I silently accompany him.   


“You haven’t been with anyone for three months?” I ask as he sets the bag on the kitchen counter. I'd been sure he'd been out with other women recently - How had I missed that?

“Actually not for over a year but the test was for my annual physical.”   


“Weren’t you seeing - “   


“Nothing came of it. I had other things on my mind,” he responds quickly, shutting down my line of questioning. I try to shove down the flash of jealous victory I feel at the realization he also wasn't getting any as of late, confusion threatening to distract me from the conversation.

“Okay. Good to know I guess.”   


“Yeah,” he stills, awkwardly looking around the small space. I twist my hands together, suddenly unsure now that we were alone once more. “We don’t have to do anything today if you don’t want. We can just do the Netflix part of ‘Netflix and Chill’?”   


“Maybe. Can we just watch something to focus on anything else?” I offer, moving towards the couch.   


“Definitely. Okay. What do you want to watch?”   


“ _ Shameless _ ? It’s always good,” I suggest and settle into the cushions, my feet tucked under me as Gilbert sits down at the other end of the sofa.   


We’re halfway through an episode when I stretch out, resting my feet in Gilbert’s lap as I shoot him a knowing smile. Somewhere along the path of our friendship we had discovered the joy of foot massages, our currency during exam time often circling around trades for the stress-busting activity. It was weird, but it was ours, and I knew Gilbert wouldn’t deny me no matter how awkward our current agreement was.    


I hadn’t anticipated the way the feeling of his touch on my skin would change though. That I hadn’t thought through.   


Quickly, almost too quickly, I can feel my body turning to jelly as his fingers dig into the soles of my feet. He must sense it too because he doesn’t stop there, his eyes coming up to meet mine as his hands slide up my exposed calf.   


“Okay?” He asks, slowing his hands on the descent.   


“Yes,” I breathe in return, silently begging for more. For a repeat of yesterday or anything to quell the want that bubbles within me.   


His hands repeat the motion up my legs a few times, always slinking higher before he shifts and moves to kneel above me. With his body hovering over me, he slides my shirt up my torso until my belly is exposed, his lips pressing a kiss to my navel. I can feel my muscles spasm under his feather touch, my toes curling as he trails kisses along the skin of my stomach. With steady hands he releases the snap on my shorts and helps pull them to my knees and then off, my lower half exposed except for my underwear.  _ Gods, I was glad I wore good underwear today.   
_

“You never told me what you wanted to focus on today,” he states, slowly working his hands along my legs and up across my ribs. When they reach the edges of my shirt he pulls gently until my arms lift, the shirt being discarded behind him. His eyes meet mine then, his pupils blown wide as I try to control my breathing.   


“I have no idea what I’m supposed to do next,” I hiss, my arms coming to cross over my chest and protect whatever semblance of modesty I can. My nerves are frayed, my body keenly attuned to his closeness as I wholly and undoubtedly determine that I do not want to stop whatever comes next.   


“Well first, you shouldn’t be uncomfortable with this. It’s just like you’re at the beach,” he assures, easing my hands away from my chest. I prop myself on my elbows, his too-tall frame leaning against the back of the couch.   


“Normally when I go to the beach, I'm not the only one in a state of undress,” I grumble. He rolls his eyes and gets to this feet, collecting my clothes from the floor before reaching for my hands. Together he leads us up to my bedroom, the intimacy of the moment making me pause in the doorway.   


“Rule Five?” Gilbert asks as he notices me still, his expression softening.   


“No. I mean, I’ve just never…”   


“We don’t have to do anything today. We can stop.”   


“I don’t want to do that either,” I respond, groaning at my own frustration. I hated being indecisive. “What were you thinking when you brought me up here? What is your plan?”   


“Well,” he pauses, a wide smile breaking across his features. Before I realize what’s happening, he’s caught me around the waist and has dragged me into the room, his hands beginning their relentless tickling as I try to fight him off.   


The battle for dominance drags us both to the floor until we’re heaving for breath, sprawled out on our backs as we laugh and try to get ourselves under control.   


“Unfair,” I say, jostling his hand with mine.   


“I wanted you to relax so that you wouldn’t stress over this. I’m going to get down to my underwear now and we’re both going to hang out like this until… Well, until whatever.”   


True to his word, Gilbert strips down to only his boxer-briefs and sits cross-legged on the floor, his gaze focused on me as I stretch out along the cool wood flooring.   


“What is the point of this?” I ask eventually, rolling onto my side and looking up at him expectantly.   


“For you to feel comfortable in your own skin. You’re - I mean, you have nothing to worry about with your looks, that’s for sure,” he adds, stumbling over his words as I watch his adam’s apple bob.   


“You, um, don’t either, I guess,” I reply, my own body aware of just how good he looks without his clothes on.   


“Well I’ll take that resounding compliment and let it fuel my self-indulgence - “   


“Fine! You look good! Is that what your ego was so desperate to hear?” I chide, slapping at his knee playfully. He grabs my hand in his, his touch once more making my belly tighten with want. He must feel it too because he eases down before me, his body stretching out along the floor until we’re matched.   


Neither of us talk as our hands drift along one another, exploring, dipping and grazing on sensitive spots. When he reaches my back, his fingers drifting over the clasp of my bra, he waits for the tiny nod I give him before he releases it and slowly eases the garment from my chest.

Bare from the waist up, Gilbert keeps his eyes focused on mine as he moves a hand across my chest, his own breath catching as my nipples pucker under his touch. The feeling bursts something inside me and when he guides me once more onto my back I think I’ll surely pass out as his hand slides from my neck down my chest until it rests over my core.   


“You're beautiful, you know that, right?” He whispers, lowly, like he wasn’t sure he wanted to say it out loud. I can only hum in response, unsure that my voice would work with the way he looked at me right then.   


“Anne! We’re home!” Phil calls from downstairs, the front door snapping shut and causing a jolt of panic to spark through my body. The sound of my housemates crashing into the building is jarring and it takes a second for me to break from the spell I seem to be suffering from.

Gilbert is on his feet and dressed faster than I can find a dress to pull on, my hands desperately trying to return my hair to some semblance of normalcy.   


“Here!” I urge, shoving a book into his hands and pushing him onto the edge of my bed. I crash into my desk chair and pick up my pen, leaning over my open textbooks as the bedroom door swings open.   


“Oh, Gilbert! I didn’t know you were coming over!” Phil greets brightly, jumping onto the bed beside him. “What are you reading?” She leans over to see the title of the book and then looks at me, a brow raising in silent question.   


Tension fills the room and soon more steps are in the hallway, Stella and Pris coming to join them. Without question Phil takes the book from Gilbert’s hands and flips it rightway up, her hand brushing quickly at his hair before the two other girls join the fray.   


Gilbert doesn't stay long after the girls' arrival home, making an excuse to slip away as we head downstairs. I barely have a moment to thank him as he squeezes my shoulder in farewell, his hand grazing my spine as though reluctant to be out of reach before he steps out into the front yard and leaves me to fend for myself.

Later, as I finish the dishes after supper it’s Stella who comes across the box of condoms we’d forgotten on the kitchen counter, her voice rising multiple octaves as she calls all of us into the kitchen.   


“How dare you go through my things?” Phil accuses playfully, grabbing the bag from her hand as Stella announces the contents to the room. I watch in shock as the girls laugh over the box, Phil clearly covering for me without any explanation needed.   


When eventually I head to bed, an unanswered message from Roy haunting my phone, I find the bag tucked under my pillow. It now contains one drink, one note and one box of condoms, unopened.   


_ Anne, _

_ I took the chocolate bar as payment for my deception. Did you buy this or did he? ‘Cause if he did, I have two follow-up questions:  _

  * __Did you know these were his intentions? And/or do I need to end him? __
  * _These are the large size - have you confirmed he bought the right size yet?_

_ Let’s talk when you’re ready.   
_

_ Love,  _

_ Phil _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah I'm so glad you guys are enjoying it! Did I mention how much I love you guys? And when you let me know that specific lines or sections are good I feel lightheaded and giddy? You're killing me, in a good way!


	4. Lean In or Back Up

"Rule Two is kaput," I greet, stepping into Gilbert's apartment as soon as he opens the door for me. 

"What? Why?" He asks, moving aside to let me pass. 

"Phil figured it out. She's too perceptive and now she wants to _ talk _ . I don't know what to say to her, Gil. I have no idea how to handle this!" 

"Why don't you tell her the truth? She'd probably be a better resource than me - "

"It's embarrassing! I can't tell her about our arrangement, she'll never let me live it down!" I exclaim, leaning against his kitchen counter with my arms crossed over my chest.

"I feel like she would understand," he attempts, matching my posture in the small space. He looks too big for his own kitchen, the little gally space tight except for the stretch of counter that opens into the living room. "We don't have to keep doing this if you're uncomfortable now."

My returning glare makes him sigh and he opens his arms to me, my small frame tucking into his embrace as I try to convince myself that it’s not as bad as it seems. 

“I just want to try to keep this between us, okay?” I mutter against his chest, the truth of it hidden beneath it's edges.

“Alright. I’ll play along if that’s what you want but you should start thinking about talking to Phil, you know you’re going to have to at some point,” he adds thoughtfully, his arms tightening around my waist. 

"I know. I will. On another note, I don't think I've thanked you yet for going along with this," I mumble, my head lifting as I rest my chin on his collar. 

"You haven't, but you've got a lot going on in the head of yours so I'll take it in stride," he pauses, lifting a hand to brush the mess of hair from my face. There's a moment, a brief flash, where I almost expect him to break the indomitable Rule Six, but then he pulls back and let's his hands drop to my waist. "Now that that's settled… Are you here for another lesson or is this a social call?"

"Could it be both?" I answer lowly, watching as his cheeks flush. 

"Um - I mean, sure. I was thinking ..." He tightens his hands around my waist and lifts me onto the counter, my height finally just above his. "We covered the body familiarity part and we’re skipping first base, so maybe we could work on one of the others?” 

“And what exactly does that mean?” I respond, shifting under his gaze. 

“Oral. Do you know what I mean by that?” 

“Obviously, Gil, I’m not living under a rock,” I reply with an eye roll and a scoff. 

“Good. At least we’re not starting from scratch then. I’m going to tell you this because I know a lot of assholes who think otherwise - if your partner is not willing to go down on you and you want them to, then you need to think long and hard about whether it’s the right match. I’m not saying all relationships need it but some of the guys I know refuse on principle and it’s a lame excuse. If they expect a blow job with no reciprocation then they’re probably garbage humans in the equality game - that’s all I’m saying,” he finishes hotly, shaking his head as though frustrated with the state of the world. 

"That's a pretty bold statement, coming from Mr Don't-Do-It-If-You-Don't-Like-It," I harass, laughing at the annoyance in his expression. He gives me a look that makes my mouth shut, his brows raising as he leans towards me.

"Obviously there's a difference in not doing something because you feel forced to and not doing something because you think it's below you. All I'm saying is that some guys try to feed you this line because they don't think your enjoyment matters and you shouldn't feel bad for expecting reciprocation, okay?"

"And do you hate it, Gil?" I ask softly, my hands twisting in the front of his shirt. From the outside I hope it looks cute, even despite the internal nerves that come alive at his look.

"I fucking love it," he states as his eyes meet mine. A spark jumps between us, hot and quick, and I can practically feel my legs quiver at the image in my mind's eye, my overactive imagination coming up with a vivid picture of his curls along the pale skin of my thigh.

“So how do you initiate this?” I breathe, my heart rate doubling at the heat in his gaze. 

“Mmm, usually it’s like running the bases, you move from one to two, you know? But I guess today,” he pauses his words as his hands slide from my waist up, his mouth coming to drag across my exposed collar. Slowly, achingly, he trails his lips down into my cleavage as he pulls the hem of my shirt up and over my head, stilling only to remove it before continuing his assault on my skin. 

With measured movements Gilbert runs his hands back down my arms, over my belly and to the waist of my skirt. For a second I expect him to try to remove it and so I shimmy closer to the edge of the counter, ready to hop back to the floor, but I’m stopped by his hand pressing flat against my stomach. 

“Today we’re trying something new. Lay back,” he adds and presses softly against my chest with his palm. My body is slow to give in, uncertain as I lean back on my elbows and lift a brow towards him. “Trust me,” he instructs and I sigh, flopping onto my back and giggling at the ceiling. 

“I feel ridiculous!” I cackle, my hands gripping tightly to his wrists as he holds me in place for another moment, watching as I shift before him. When I’ve slowed my laughter he leans back in towards me and returns his lips to my navel, his mouth trailing featherlight kisses that make my muscles shiver under my skin. 

With steady hands he reaches for the edge of my skirt and lifts it up to my waist, exposing my lower half and the flowered underwear that matches my bra.

“Nice choice,” he compliments, catching my eye as I start to laugh again. I stop as soon as he drags a hand over my center, my legs clenching tighter together at his touch. “Relax, Anne,” he instructs, returning to plant a kiss below my belly button. 

I force myself to breathe, focusing on my inhale and exhale, closing my eyes at his gentle touches. I try to focus on the heat of him, on his hand slowly drifting under the fabric and sliding through my folds. When he groans - the sound almost too low to hear - I feel my insides clench in anticipation. 

“Gil,” I groan, embarrassed but too needy to stop it. 

Deft fingers pull on the fabric, dragging my underwear down my thighs and over my knees in one quick movement. When finally I’m bare before him, truly bare in front of anyone ever, I feel the blush rise and spread across my chest and face, my eyes not daring to open and see the revulsion he must have on his face. Maybe I should have shaved. Was that a turn off for him? How could I have known that - 

“ _ Fuck _ ,” he groans quietly, my nerves firing in a chaotic mess of feelings. Was that good? Was it bad? I couldn’t tell. Didn’t want to know. 

_ Oh _ . 

I feel his hand first, his fingers sliding through my wetness and dipping inside just that tiny bit to make my hips lift instinctively. His other hand slides to my belly and presses to it, steadying my lower half as his tongue darts across my clit. The sensation nearly makes my body burst into flames, my legs trying to close abruptly at the feeling, but instead just knocking into his shoulders as he flattens his tongue against my core. 

My heart triples it’s beat and I have to bite down on my knuckle to keep from crying out at the sensation. I don’t know if it's because I'm so turned on, or whether he was just  _ that _ good at this, but every lick, every exploring flick of his tongue and his fingers working between my legs makes my body want to fly off the counter and disintegrate into a thousand little pieces. 

Over and over he laves at me, rotating between licks and kisses, presses to my clit and fingers sliding in and out of me with varied depths. I keen at the intrusion, my legs lifting and wrapping of their own volition around his neck, my body trying to bring him closer as he slowly plays me like an instrument. 

“Fuck Gil,” I cry, my hips rolling into his face as my hands tangle in his hair. He hums and the feeling makes me finally come, tiny lights filling my eyes as he helps me ride out the orgasm with lips and hands and moves that make me want to twist away from the sensitivity of his ministrations. 

When finally he pulls back, his nose dragging along my inner thigh before he leaves a kiss on my knee, I lay spent on the counter for a stunned moment longer. 

Never in a million years had I expected to feel like this, like I’d seen God and the birth of the universe all in one brief second of time. Especially not because of the actions of my best friend with whom I had a particular arrangement with. That had definitely  _ not _ been in the cards.

“Are you going to survive?” He asks brusquely, his voice raspy as he pulls my skirt back over my knees in steady movements, a hand lingering on the skin of my hip. 

“Gil,” I pause, lifting my head to finally look at him and his dishevelled hair, his reddened lips and flushed skin. “Jesus Christ, Gil,” is all I can manage, my head flopping back down on the counter with an audible thump. 

“I bet that felt good,” he chuckles sarcastically as he grabs both of my hands, pulling me back up to a seated position on the edge of the counter. My limbs are heavy and I feel like a rag doll as I lean against him for support. 

“I don’t feel anything right now. My body has somehow ceased to exist. I am a million fragments strewn across your apartment, floating in your rooms and drifting through your air conditioner. I am no longer a mortal being, not after seeing the light!” I ramble, my eyes closed as he sighs and lifts my tiny frame from the counter. 

I feel my feet touch the ground and before I can stand on my own he’s tossing me up and over his shoulder as he carries me like a bag of sand towards his bedroom. “Where are we - oh!” 

“It’s just until you recover. Have a nap. We’ll go get dinner later,” he states, dropping me on the bed like I weigh nothing. I let my body flop against the duvet, my arms sprawling overhead as he stares down at me with a strange look on his face. I’d deal with  _ that _ look later. After I regained my humanly equilibrium.

“How do you do that, Gil?” I ask as he turns on his heel and moves towards the door to the hallway. 

“Do what?” 

“Make someone see stars?” He pauses in the doorway, his hand on the frame as he looks back at me. 

“I think it only happens when you trust someone, Carrots. Get some rest. We’ll talk more later.” 

And with that he closes the door to the bedroom and leaves me to pull the blanket over myself, sleep overtaking me as I hear what sounds like the shower running in the next room. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do all smutty stories make baseball references frequently? Or is it just mine?


	5. The Attempt

_ Ann - when will I get to c u again? _ Roy’s text lights up my phone, the message prominent on the table between us as the waiter takes my order. I see from the corner of my eye as Gilbert’s eyes drift down, his brow furrowing at the message. 

Recognition lights within him at the situation and a sour look crosses his expression then, flickering briefly before disappearing once again.

“Gil - did you want another beer or - ?” I interrupt, looking between him and the waiter and trying to distract him from the message and the way it makes his brow furrow. 

“Oh - yeah. Please, yes,” Gilbert answers, rubbing his hand across his face in an exhausted motion. Another beer would definitely help him take the edge off from seeing that text, I hoped. Or at least that’s what I had to tell myself as he twists his hands on the table. 

“What’s up? You look funny all of a sudden,” I ask as the waiter finally leaves, his attention drawn elsewhere to a new customer.

“Nothing. Just tired.  _ Some _ of us didn’t get a nap today,” he jokes, a shake of his head giving away his lie. 

“There was nothing stopping you from joining me, I’ll have you know,” I whisper back conspiratorially. I needed to break him from his line of thoughts before it tinged the rest of the night, if only because I selfishly wanted the playful Gilbert rather than the one caught up in his own head. “Anyways, what are you thinking about for tomorrow? Do you think we might make it to a bed at any stage of this process?” I ask steadily as I take my drink from the waiter, the vodka soda raised to my lips as I try to hide the way my cheeks heat at the suggestion. 

“What about tonight?” He responds evenly, challenging me in return. Was I ready for this next step? Did I even have time to waste? As soon as this week was done we would be back to being friends and friends only, this whole thing a distant memory as I ventured out on my own. The idea was thrilling. It was also terrifying.

“You - you mean, after dinner?” 

“Yeah. Like we go back to mine and round the final bases. Finish ahead of schedule. Would that be okay with you?” I twist uneasily in my seat, leaning back to put some distance between us for a second. The memory of my earlier orgasm flashes and I chew my lip. I could definitely do with another round of  _ that _ . Maybe two. 

“That sounds good, I guess.” 

Back at the apartment the mood changes as soon as we’re through the door, the playfulness of dinner vanishing in a haze as he presses me back into the wall. With his lips on my neck he distracts me as his hands pull at my skirt and cause the fabric to drop to the floor. His arms wrap around me and he steers us towards the bedroom with dizzying speed, my body sinking into the mattress as he yanks his own shirt over his head. 

“It’s like running the bases, right?” I ask breathlessly, my eyes dazed as he comes down to kneel above me. For a moment he looks stricken, his thoughts clouded as his eyes close tightly. 

“Have you had too much to drink?” He asks softly, stilling as he looks down at me. I shake my head, my teeth biting my bottom lip. 

“No. I just have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing,” I answer before covering my face, the redness from my blush colouring my features. His hands wrap around mine and drag them away, forcing me to look at him. 

“Just do what feels right, okay? Nothing you do with me will be wrong right now,” he murmurs as I meet his pointed look with a slight nod. He takes that as an acceptance and sinks closer. 

Hands remove clothes, clumsy but gentle as we bump and shift until we’re both lying naked across the sheets. I swallow thickly at the sight of him sprawled out before me, his lithe frame stretching almost over the edge of the mattress. I try not to stare between his legs but can’t help it, curious as I reach my hand towards him. 

“Gil,” I whisper as he comes to me then, easing me onto my back as he leans down to press a kiss over my heart. His hand drifts across my breast, down my belly and between my legs in a familiar move that makes me groan at the contact. 

I try to keep my head about me as he shifts his leg between mine, his knee easing my thighs wider until the length of him is heavy against the curls between my legs. I try not to lose my cool as he stops touching me, his hand drifting into his bedside drawer and pulling out a foil wrapper that he opens with fingers and teeth. 

I try and I try and I try not to let the panic win as his knees press to the insides of my thighs, his hands working the condom onto his length as he kneels above me. When he returns to rest against my chest, his hips pressing into mine and his heat crowding out the air I need to breathe, I still as his hand guides his tip through my folds. 

“Gil,” I gasp as he aligns with my entrance. “Gil, please,” I whimper and the panic storms in, my hands pressing to his shoulders and my legs twisting against his. His head snaps up, his body freezing as I clamour out from under him in a mess of red hair, limbs and chaos. 

“Anne,” he calls, his breathing heavy as I jump from the bed and walk pointedly towards the corner of the room. He watches me as I slide to the floor, my knees tucking into my chest as I close my eyes and hiccup through staccato breaths. “Anne - are you okay?” Fear crosses his features and I can see him struggling through his thoughts, worry filling his expression as I try to wrangle myself into some semblance of calmness. “Anne, I need to know what you want me to do. I can see that something is wrong and I don’t want to make it worse - “ 

“Stop talking!” I snap, my hands coming up to cover the back of my head. He shifts to match my pose on the mattress, his hands quickly discarding the rubber in the bin as I try to figure out what to do. Obviously this had gone wrong. I should have been more conscious of it, more prepared for the anxiety that I knew would have reared its ugly head sooner or later. It had all been too easy up until now - I thought I'd had it in the bag. That I was fixed and could sail through this. But I shouldn’t have rushed it - every time I’d let someone close enough I’d reacted badly. I should have known. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry if I pushed you into - “ 

“Gilbert Blythe just give me a fucking minute. I just need a goddamn minute to pull myself together and then we can get this over with - “ 

“Get it over - Anne, we’re definitely not going through - “ 

“Shh!” 

“No! This is a fucking  _ team sport _ Anne. I know you're not familiar with how they work but _ I am _ . There are two of us in this goddamn room and we’re not going to just slog through it like it’s a mud game. I’m not putting our friendship at risk for this. I’m not putting  _ you _ at risk for this. We’re a team but I’m the fucking captain here and I’m saying  _ no _ .” 

His words are terse and I groan, my head crashing back into the wall as I jerk it upward in frustration. 

“Oww,” I moan at the impact, my hand coming up to press against the back of my skull. It seems to be the tipping point and he senses the tears before they escape from my eyes, my whole body seeming to shudder with the onslaught. 

Getting to his feet he moves first to his closet, pulling out a shirt and stopping to grab his underwear on the way. Safely tucked inside his boxers, he approaches me slowly, his hands steady as he wraps the shirt around my shoulders before sitting down beside me. 

_ This _ was the girl he knew, of that I was sure. This was the version of me that got so riled up that I occasionally fell apart to process the stress that affected me so easily. He knew what to do with this version of me, or at least that’s what I had to hope to get out of this without making too big an ass of myself. All I could really think though was that I was thankful for it being Gilbert beside me and not some other guy who would probably have labelled me crazy by this point, a dumb girl who couldn't even do the most basic of humanly functions.  _ Gods, this is embarrassing _ .

“I thought it would be easier,” I mumble after a solid cry, the heels of my hands pressing into my eyes. “I thought it would be like everything else we’ve done and that it would be easy and wonderful and I wouldn’t have to fight to try to breathe and be normal for once.” 

“I didn’t realize you were feeling like that,” he answers softly, an understanding look on his face as I glance towards him. 

“I didn’t realize either until I was huddled in the corner like a child.” 

“Please don’t hate on my friend Anne right now,” he requests simply as I groan and look towards the ceiling. 

“Why are you so understanding about this? Don't you have blue balls right now? Shouldn’t you be frustrated with me for this?” I hiss before tucking my face back into my knees. I was safe if I didn't have to look at him, if I didn't have to face this. “I basically - “ 

“Anne, may I remind you about Rule Five? And about basic human fucking decency? And about the fact that I care about you and I don’t care if I never get laid again if it means that you never have to feel like you  _ have to do this  _ with anyone in your entire life?” He stops, waiting for me to look at him through my red-rimmed eyes. “You do not owe anyone access to your body. You are a privilege. You are something that should be cherished and if someone does not treat you like you deserve to be treated then they don’t deserve  _ you _ .” 

"Maybe it's me who doesn't deserve you," I whisper in return, the words escaping my lips giving way to truths I hadn't thought I had in me. It seems to catch him off guard too because his brow furrows and I can practically see his thoughts racing as he digests my response.

"I would give anything to deserve you, Anne. Any guy would."

I feel his words ricochet in my chest, the urge to hug him overtaking me as I crash into him. We nearly topple over as his hands slowly come to wrap around my frame in return, his embrace like a warm blanket. We sit there together, tightly coiled, until the hum of the air conditioner comes on and Gilbert eventually eases back, his hands brushing the mess of hair away from my face. 

“Do you think you’d be okay to sleep in the same bed? Or do you want me to sleep on the couch?” He offers softly, watching my expression for any sign of mixed feelings. 

“I’m okay with sharing the bed,” I answer, my hands coming to rest against his chest. 

“Good. My couch is too small for me anyways,” he jokes and slowly we get to our feet, walking towards the bed and climbing onto it from opposite sides. “Do you want to talk about it more or just try to sleep?” 

“Just sleep, I think. My head hurts from everything.” He nods and once the covers are safely over us he flicks the light switch and plunges the room into darkness. 

Taking solace in the dark, I twist myself until I'm facing him, my gaze roving over his form in the low light. It's here, hidden under his blankets, that I see the weight of our agreement on his face, his expression tight as he watches the ceiling.

"Do you want us to stop?" I ask quietly, my breathing slow as he glances back at me. 

"Do  _ you _ want to stop?" I shake my head at his question and he smiles softly, his fingers linking with mine at my chin. "Then we'll try again when you're ready. Get some sleep."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are KILLING me with the feedback, thank you thank you thank you! I love getting your thoughts and kudos and basically whatever you give me I will feed off of. I hope you enjoy this somewhat... Difficult but heartwarming chapter.


	6. Team Sports

_ "What are you doing out here? It's freezing!" Gilbert shouts from the porch of the ramshackle house. The pop music pouring from the windows feels like a slow torture, a bubble gum coating over the miserable party happening inside. I wrap my arms tighter around myself, fighting off the chill and brushing the tears from my cheeks before he can see. "You don't even have your coat, Anne. Come on, come back inside." _

_ "No," I counter harshly, stepping back further from the light escaping through the door. I watch as Gilbert stills, his brow furrowing in the low light.  _

_ "What do you mean ‘no’? What's going on? I've been trying to find you for the last hour. Phil said you went home - " _

_ "Please just leave me be, Gil. I'm sure Ruby is looking for you already so you should go back inside." _

_ "Have you had too much to drink? Do you need me to get you home?" _

_ "I  _ need _ you to leave me - " _

_ "We both know I'm not going to do that," he interjects hotly, finally letting the door slap shut behind him and cutting off the halo of light that had surrounded him. He was no longer the golden boy I knew, not out here. Here he was just another soul tumbling down into this darkness with me. _

_ "Gilbert, please," I plead, shivering. I couldn't face him with this. I just couldn’t. _

_ Instead I focus on how my fingers feel numb, how the cold air is sharp in my lungs, the burn of it clearing the fog from my mind. It smells like snow and I hate that my mind will always equate tonight with the beauty of the first snowfall.  _

_ "You're worrying me, okay? What happened?" He presses, inching closer. Instinctively I step back, the panic of adrenaline spiking in my veins. Gilbert raises his hands in surrender, his expression tightening at my reaction. "You know me, Anne, since we were kids. I'm not going to hurt you but I need you to tell me what happened." _

_ "Nothing! Go back inside to Ruby and I'll deal with it - " _

_ "Deal with what? What happened? Please don't worry about Ruby right now, she can handle herself just fine. It’s you that I’m worried about right now so I'm obviously not leaving you out here," he urges, his tone steady. I can practically see his thoughts spinning, his gaze flipping between me and the house as his suspicion grows. _

_ "I just wanted to call Diana to wish her a happy birthday but I went into the wrong room. That's all." _

_ "We both know that's not all," he remarks lowly, brushing his hands over his face and groaning. His movements are tight and controlled and I can't look in his eyes to see the thoughts that I knew would reflect the judgement back on me. _

_ "It's stupid," I whisper, mouth dry. _

_ "I can assure you that it's not stupid if it has the strongest girl I know hiding out in the cold while all her friends are inside celebrating the break," he counters. My eyes finally meet his, my heart in my throat. "Tell me what happened." _

_ "It was like I was back in foster care when the girls in the house held me down in bed after I got caught reading after lights out. I went in the room to make the call but it wasn’t empty like I thought. Or maybe it was but he came in after? I can’t remember. All I remember is that he wouldn't let me leave. He held me against the door and tried to kiss me and I couldn't get past him. I freaked out but he wouldn't let me go. You know how much I hate feeling trapped because of those girls and this was like I was back there all over again. But I’m - I'm fine and nothing happened. I know it's stupid - " I'm interrupted by his hand settling on my shoulder, his fingers squeezing gently as more tears escape from my eyes. _

_ "It's not. Don't say it's stupid. Please don't." _

_ "I just - He made me feel like a child when I started to cry. He got angry and pushed me out of the room and that’s when I came out here. It sounds pathetic I know but I don't remember ever being so embarrassed." _

_ "You've nothing to be embarrassed about. Come on, let's go get our coats and I'll walk you home." I finally give in, calmed by his presence and the quiet acceptance of what I'd said without questioning. He hadn't challenged me and for that I was thankful - I didn't think I could deal with inquisitive Gilbert at this moment, my shackles too high to overcome as I fought to bring myself back to normal. _

_ I can't help but doubt though if he actually understood my rambling thoughts or if he just felt sorry for me because I was being dramatic at a time when I should be out having fun. I try to discern his expression, to see what he is thinking, but his face is shadowed and unreadable and eventually once we're back inside it's too obvious to keep staring. _

_ "In here," he says eventually, guiding me into one of the main level bedrooms where the coats are being kept. I stifle my breathing when he closes the door, the panic bursting once more within me as I'm closed into another space with a man too tall, too capable of holding me down. It's ridiculous - logically I know this because it's  _ Gilbert _ \- but the reactionary part of me has full control and I can't help myself from shutting down. _

_ Gilbert, focused on digging through the piles of coats, barely notices my internal struggle until the handle turns and the door opens behind us, the subject of my fears stepping into the room. _

_ "What, you'll fuck  _ him _ but not me, Shirley?" Billy accuses as he moves towards me.  _

_ I've barely opened my mouth to respond when Gilbert steps between us, quickly opening the door and shoving Billy forcefully back out into the hallway. His eyes look to me, concern and anger bubbling through to the surface as he presses his back into the wood to keep the door shut. _

_ "I'm sorry - " I start, my heart racing as I try to swallow back more tears.  _

_ "Get the coats, Anne," he interrupts abruptly, watching me closely as I try to process what's happening through the sounds of banging on the other side of the door. Nodding quickly at the instruction, I turn to dig through the pile of fabric until I find my jacket and Gil's, pulling them loose and slipping mine on without pause. "When we go out there, I want you to just head for the front door, okay? I'll meet you outside and we'll walk home and then we can figure out the rest after." _

_ Gilbert opens the door and steps out ahead of me as the music lowers and someone whistles from across the room. All eyes turn towards us - Ruby's wide blue eyes locking on mine - and I feel the flame of embarrassment in my cheeks, my head tucking into my chest as I make my escape out into the yard. Behind me I'm sure I hear a scuffle, a grunt, before someone comes up behind me and loops their arm in mine nearly making me jump out of my skin.  _

_ "I thought you'd left already, I'm so sorry Anne," Phil whispers, her hand tightening over my clenched fist as I twist against her touch. Realizing it's her, I exhale the scream from my throat and quicken my steps. She doesn't say anything more as she wraps her arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer to her as we head for home.  _

_ When the snow starts to fall as we reach our street I force myself to pause, pulling the girl up short as I look up towards the sky. I refuse to give this moment to another bad memory. I'd already lost so much time to the struggles I had before I came to Green Gables, I wouldn't give any more. _

_ Instead I focus on the way the first snowflakes feel on my cheeks, on how glad I am to have Phil wrap me up in her embrace, and how the smell from Gilbert's coat - now securely swallowing Phil's frame - reminds me of my best friend, the one who always manages to somehow help me escape from the messes I get myself in. _

* * *

The dream creeps in in the wee hours of the morning, dragging me back to the surface as I wake surrounded by warmth and something pressed against my back. When I realize where I am,  _ who _ I’m with, the memory from earlier comes crashing back and I tense up in Gilbert’s embrace. 

Slowly, consciously, I force myself to relax as I remember the way he’d always given me space and allowed me the room to deal with my reactions. How he always helped to put the situation into a clearer perspective, even when the situation seemed beyond control. 

The night of the party all those years ago sticks in my mind's eye as I ease into wakefulness. I remembered then, surprisingly, how Billy had shown up later that week with a black eye, his actions pointedly giving me space as I looked at him from across the cafeteria. Gilbert on the other hand had caught a nasty cold, one Ruby had been sure was caused by the thirty minute walk home without his coat. I'd brought him soup in thanks, unable to say then how thankful I'd been for his friendship. 

Now I lay here tucked against him, his willingness to protect me stronger than ever it seemed, even with this ridiculous idea of mine. 

I hadn’t considered this activity as a team sport before, not really. Sure, I’d understood the physics required two people but the mental part, the needing both parties to be on the same page part,  _ that _ I hadn’t really grasped until his tense counter response to my moment of doubt brought me back around. 

I’d spent the past few days focusing only on my needs, seeing it through the perspective of what I’d thought I’d needed to accomplish to be certified and experienced. But I’d ignored the other person in the room to the point that I wasn’t sure any of it had even been enjoyable for the man behind me. 

And didn’t I need to be better at playing as a team? Shouldn’t I also know how to make  _ him _ feel good too? If I couldn’t reciprocate then I’d make an even bigger fool of myself, of that I was sure. My mind spins at the idea, my body starting to thrill at mirroring the pleasure I’d experienced back at Gilbert. What would he do if I took the initiative? If I tried to make him feel as good as he made me feel? Could I even do that? Would he enjoy that from me?

The buzz of my cell on the bedside table has me reaching for the device, the quick message making me roll my eyes. 

_ U up? _

I set the phone back down on the table and sigh, ignoring Roy's text on the basis that nothing good came from two a.m. messages. Instead I decide then and there to try to be more egalitarian in this agreement, if only to increase my learning opportunities. With a twist of my hips and a shift, I turn in Gilbert’s embrace and nuzzle my nose under his chin, my arm coming to wrap around his side. 

“Mmm,” Gilbert hums softly, his lips grazing my forehead as he tightens his hold and hooks a leg behind mine. I seize the moment and press a kiss to his chest, conscious of the way he instinctively pulls me closer. 

Almost as if in a dream I feel his hand slide down my back only to slip under the edge of my shirt and rest along my skin, the fingers splaying possessively against me. I revel and reciprocate the gesture, my own knuckles sliding under the edge of his boxers to graze the top of his ass. 

“You’re playing with fire, Anne-girl,” he rasps, his chest rising and falling quickly as he slowly comes awake. 

“I know,” I whisper playfully against him, easing my leg forward until my thigh is pressed fully between his. I can feel his cock twitch and boldly I let my hand fall between our bodies, my fingers grazing against him through the thin fabric. “Is this okay?” I question, tentative in my touch. 

“More than okay,” he responds and in kind his hips shift forward as I cup the length of him in my palm. 

In a sleepy daze I continue my exploration, my index finger dancing up the trail of hair across his belly before drifting back down and over the lines of his hip. I press another kiss to his chest, my lips gentle as they seek the edge of his collarbone. When my hand moves determinedly under the elastic of his boxers once more he releases a rattling breath, half of his body tensing under my touch. 

“Anne,” he groans, thrusting into my palm as his cock hardens in my grip. I smile and continue my movements, my teeth nipping at the stubble along his chin as my hand explores the length of him. 

“What do  _ you _ like, Gil?” I ask throatily, my hardened nipples sending shocks to my core as they brush against his chest hair. 

“I don’t - “ 

“You’ve gotta tell me,” I interject, withdrawing my touch and pressing my palm into his stomach to pause. He shifts and pulls back slightly, catching my eyes in the low light. “I want to learn this part too.” 

“Fuck, okay,” he groans and flops onto his back,opening himself up to my examination. I take the opportunity to shift to my knees, his too large shirt tickling his abdomen as I hook my fingers under the elastic of his waistband. With simple moves I rid him of the garment as he lays bare before me, one arm slung across his brow as his hand rubs softly against my thigh. 

“Tell me what to do,” I urge, leaning towards him and dropping my hand to his waist. He takes my wrist in his grip then, drawing it down until my fingers reach the tip of his cock.

“Grip it from the base. Not hard but firm - yeah,” he grunts, his hand wrapping around mine and guiding my movements upward and then back down, his fist tightening just enough to move the skin. I lick my lips as I watch, my gaze focused on the way his hips slowly match the movements thrust for thrust. 

“Is this okay?” I question as my thumb grazes over the head and collects the moisture that’s gathered there. He bucks into my hand as I do it, his hummed appreciation making my insides clench. How had he  _ not _ felt anything when he’d done this for me earlier? Watching him react, watching the way he changed and moved with my touch was almost as erotic as the way he’d fingered me in the library and there was no way he hadn’t felt it too. And I’d just  _ ignored it _ . Like a monster.

“I’m so fucking close already. Jesus Anne,” he groans, his movements quickening as I take the hint and start to increase my pace. In my distraction I miss the way his free hand moves between my legs, surprise making me jump as his fingers tease at my entrance. “Is this - is it - “ 

“Yeah, it’s okay,” I manage to growl, nearly crying out as he slips his fingers into me as I lean over him. Sweat starts to bead on my forehead as my hand moves against him, pulling at his length in tandem with the way his fingers move in and out of me in return, almost as if we weren’t playing with hands at all. 

I feel wound as tight as a spring, my lip clenched between my teeth as he jerks up against my grip, his hips beginning to lose their pacing with every second longer. And then it happens. 

I press down into his hand, his fingers deep within my walls as his other hand comes to wrap around mine on his cock, fist tightening as he grunts and spurts cum across his chest, his length twitching with every shot. I feel the orgasm hit me like a wave, my own hand forgotten in his as I still in a silent cry. 

Eventually I collapse down beside him, his hand slow to withdraw from between my legs as he turns to grab a tissue from the bedside table. He wipes the mess from his chest and tosses the tissue into the trash before turning on his side and gathering me up against him in a crushing hug. 

“I have no idea what brought that on but fucking hell, Carrots,” he groans and presses a kiss to my forehead, the intimacy not lost on me.

“Was it okay?” I ask carefully, like approaching a professor after a test. Only a much more filthy type of test. 

“It was more than okay. It was - I mean, you enjoyed it too? At least it seemed like it with how wet you were,” he chuckles, shifting until he meets my eyes. There's a thread of excitement in his expression that I can't miss, the look making my own heart flip flop in my chest.

“Yeah. I just - I realized how one sided this has been so far. You were right earlier. I need to think about it as a team sport and that means learning what works for the other person too.” 

“I never asked for you to reciprocate  _ but _ I’m also not complaining,” he adds as I smile back up at him. There’s a silent moment that spans between us then, the weight of something unspoken resting on the air in the room. 

Unwilling to confront it, I duck my head into his chest and spread out along him, returning to the position we’d started in with my body pressed more tightly to his. I stay silent as he runs his fingers softly through my hair, his lips leaving a lazy kiss along my brow as his breathing starts to even out and we both slip into sleep once more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, when I started this story it first ended at 22,384 words. This is an important number to think about because right now, based on feedback and comments and thoughts about different angles from viewers like you (lol PBS), the story now sits at 31,572 words. That's a ... mathematical increase! So I just wanted to say thank you for interacting, for loving this story as much as I do writing it. You make it more fun than throwing words into the abyss. 
> 
> Now onto the other message I wanted to share: You are all valuable. You are all strong, amazing people and you deserve all the love and respect and joy that this world can offer you. I've read some comments from folks over these last few days since the last chapter that really made my heart hurt. Echoes of recognition, of pain and mistreatment that none of you deserved. Trust me when I say that while this Gilbert seems perfect and all, he too has flaws. I can write all I want about how he's got these feminist ideas and obviously is a soft boi and everything, but those come with their own challenges. He hasn't owned up to his feelings. He hasn't been honest with Anne and that's difficult to grasp sometimes. All I mean to say here is that with every moment of human perfection there is an equal moment of disarray and we need to find peace in loving the whole person, not just the fact that they enjoy giving as equally as receiving *insert nudge nudge wink here*. You will find another human who values you infinitely, who holds you up for all the light to fall on, and regardless of whether that person is your partner or your lover or a lifelong friend I beg you to see them for their whole person, to do your best to hold them up for the light too. We have so much now to divide us in this world - please, try to love one another.


	7. Be Normal

“Out early or just coming home?” Roy asks as he catches me crossing the pathways through the park, his run abandoned as he loops back to walk beside me. I slow and plaster on a bright smile, desperate to hide the fact that I was just coming home for fear of giving him the wrong impression. 

“Early. Wanted to get in a walk before the heat hit too badly this afternoon,” I quip. Roy laughs and matches my pace, his arm sliding around my shoulders and his sweaty frame sidling up close to mine.

“If you say so, kid. Whatever you do on your own time is  _ your _ business,” he pauses, squeezing my shoulder affectionately. “But if you ever want to share your time, I know I’d be happy to take you out again. Maybe sometime this week? Drinks or Netflix and chill, whatever.” 

My heart skips a beat at the invitation and my mouth dries, the words hard to put into a meaningful phrase as we near the edge of the park. 

“I’m going to take that as a yes.” He releases my shoulders and jumps out in front of me, stopping me mid-stride. “I’ll pick you up on Tuesday at 5?” 

“Um - I mean, okay?” I struggle, my nerves fraying under pressure. I couldn’t help but chafe under the realization that Tuesday put the agreement under a real deadline, one I couldn’t get around no matter how hard I tried. 

“Excellent!” He shouts and then takes my face in his hands, his lips crashing into mine in another kiss that leaves me stumbling backwards and out of his grip. “I’ll see you then, Miss Shirley,” he adds and with that continues on his run, a hop in every step further he takes. 

Back at Patty’s Place, Phil is already awake and in the kitchen, baking a tray of muffins that were almost criminal with how good they smelled.

“Well look what the cat dragged in,” Phil calls as I try to slip through the front door without notice. I groan as the girl stands in the hallway, her hands on her hips in a matronly stance. “Where have you been all night?” 

“At - “ 

“Wait, don’t say it!” She rushes forward, grabbing my hand and dragging me out onto the porch. “Okay - now admit it!” 

“Admit what?” I attempt weakly, crossing my arms over my chest. It was far too early and I was too exhausted to have this conversation right now. 

“Admit that you and Gilbert have finally pulled your heads out of your asses and that you’re together!” Phil implores, gripping both of my shoulders in her hands. 

“We’re not - he doesn’t - that’s not what’s - Phil!” I scold in return, unable to settle on which part of the accusation I wanted to confront first. 

“Come on! You two have been dancing around each other for  _ ages _ \- anyone can see it! Don’t try to lie to me, I can see right through you two and I covered for you with the condoms and when you were basically caught boning - “ 

“That wasn’t what you think - “ 

“Anne,  _ please _ . Please oh please don’t toy with my fragile heart! If you two aren’t together then explain what the hell we walked in on the other day, huh?” 

“We have an agreement,” I whisper, looking around the yard for any wayward ears. Phil drops her hands at that, her brow raising in question. “He’s teaching me how to have sex so I’m not bad at it my first time, okay?”

The truth seems to knock Phil through a loop, her mouth opening and closing as she tries to find the right words. When after a moment they still don’t come she collapses onto the porch step, her hand yanking me down beside her.

“What the  _ fuck _ , Anne?” Phil growls, glaring at me. 

“What? We’re both adults!” I counter, hurt that Phil would react so fiercely at the truth. I’d thought Phil would be on my side, or at least passive about it. 

“It’s Gilbert! You can’t just fuck around with him like this, you’re going to ruin it!” 

“Ruin  _ what _ , exactly? We’re friends! He’s helping me as a friend!” My voice rises until it’s nearly shrill. 

“That boy is in  _ love _ with you, you dolt!” 

“No he isn’t - you’re being ridiculous!” I snap back, my arms crossing over my chest in a huff. 

“He is too,” Pris calls from overhead, her head hanging out of her bedroom window as a sleepy Stella watches from the next window over. I feel my face heat in embarrassment, the truth of the situation blowing out of control in an instant. 

“I don’t have to listen to this nonsense. He isn’t in love with me and I’m not in love with him! I’m going on a  _ date _ with Roy on Tuesday. Would I do  _ that _ if I had any feelings for Gilbert?” I hiss and get to my feet, looking between the three girls and glaring at them all. 

“Yes, because you can be kind of flighty if I’m being honest,” Phil laments, her eyes locked on me. “I’m not going to judge you for this but I do need to say that I think you’re being a right fool with this plan. Just have a first time like everyone else and don’t break Gilbert’s heart - is that too hard to ask?” 

“I’m not going to break his heart!” I groan, stalking back into the house and towards the stairs. 

“Fine. Whatever. You do you but just remember that we won’t be here when this all falls apart this summer!” Phil calls through the kitchen door as I take the stairs two at a time.

“Good! Maybe then I won't be made to feel like I need to repent for my sins!" I shout back, slamming my bedroom door closed behind me with a slap. 

I’m spread out across my sheets when Gilbert bursts into my room later that afternoon, my cheeks flushed and my pants open as I look up at the subject of my current fantasies, embarrassment rolling through me at being caught. The girls always waited to be invited in, dammit.

"Oh," he stops abruptly, shifting on his feet. "I - should I - do you want me to leave?"

My instinct screams  _ yes _ . Yes yes yes so I can get back to trying to get off by myself. But a part of me, a tiny but vocal part, takes control in the heat of the moment and steers me down the bolder path.

"No - you've broken me, Gil. I can't seem to get there without you and it's entirely too frustrating!" I hiss, the words causing him to push the door shut behind him, his cheeks flushing red at the idea of being found out.

"You're not broken. You probably just need another minute," he replies, rubbing his hand across his chin. I feel a wave of want rocket through me at the sight of stubble on his jaw, of his hands which I’ve come to learn are so skilled. 

"Well… do you mind if I find out?" I ask softly, my hand moving to rest at the ready on my belly. My eyes never leave his and when he nods I smile, wide and bright, as I let my fingers slip back into the front of my pants. 

Gilbert leans back against the door and watches as I close my eyes, my hips rising and falling as I work myself closer to the edge. Later I’ll think about whether I looked attractive as the flush rose across my skin, whether he liked it when I bit my lip as I slipped my fingers inside thinking about him. But in that moment I can’t manage to care what my best friend thinks as he watches me touch myself. All I can manage to care about is the way my body reacts to my touch, how I feel tight as a bow, how when he settles on the mattress beside me I don’t hesitate to let him slide in behind me, his hands guiding me up so that my back is pressed to his chest. 

“Just relax, okay?” He murmurs into my ear, my heart hammering in my chest.

I nod and rest my head back on his shoulder, his hands carefully pushing my thighs apart as his lips graze the side of my neck. The stoked fire from moments ago easily rekindles as his fingers start playing against me, dipping inside and then returning to rub against me in the way I taught him. 

Moaning quietly, I slowly shift my hips as I press up into his touch, wanting, needing it to be more as I chase after my release. He continues his assault on my senses by nipping at my ear, laving the lobe and then nuzzling into my neck as I roll my hips against his hand. 

“I wish I was in you right now,” he murmurs into my ear, his fingers sliding through my folds and teasing my entrance. “I would push up in you and stay there until you begged me to move. Maybe I’d touch you like this,” he adds, dragging my wetness up to my chest and then back to my core. 

“I need more,” I whimper impatiently, dropping my hand to press his fingers inside. He chuckles against my neck and follows my lead as I move his hand in and out. 

“Does this feel good?” He asks as I relax against him, my body focused solely on his ministrations. 

"Please don't stop,” I sigh with a nod, reaching up to the back of his head and threading my fingers through his hair. His teeth nip at my skin before he blows cool air on the wound, the sensation driving me higher. “Oh fuck,” I hiss, holding tightly to his arm as his mouth repeats the motion. 

“I love how wet you get,” he whispers as he draws his fingers out before slipping them back in. “I love the sounds you make when you get close. But mostly I love the way you look when you come, the way your brow tightens and your lips open just that tiny bit.” His fingers quicken and I feel myself cresting the wave before I can comprehend what’s happening, my legs slapping shut as I rock my hips up and into his touch. A low guttural moan escapes from me, my body twisting with my release.

He helps me ride out the orgasm, his fingers slowly working themselves inside me as my walls clench and release again and again. When my breathing has finally returned to normal he presses his lips to my shoulder, his cock hard at my back and reminding me insistently of his needs too. 

“Do you want - “ 

"We can't get up to any funny business," he interjects then, his fingers pulling the zipper on my pants before he eases us down to lay across the mattress. 

"Why not?" Part of me is convinced it’s because this wasn’t in the plan - that somehow what we’d just done had violated the spirit of Rule One - but I refuse to confront the idea more than necessary. 

"Rule Two, for starters."

"It's out the window in this house, they all know," I grumble, my hands coming to cover my face as he looks towards me. 

"How? Did you finally decide to come clean?"

"Kind of… I mean, remember what I said yesterday? How Phil wanted to talk? Well she caught me coming home this morning and we talked but it turned into kind of an argument and now Stella and Pris know too. I didn't mean for it to happen, it just sort of -"

"Got away from you? Is that why you're hiding out up here while they're all down in the kitchen?" He asks, concern etched across his brow. 

"Yeah. And I guess now that you're here it would be too weird to hang out together if they all know," she adds, watching as a flash of disappointment crosses his face.

"Rule Three though, right? This is only temporary so maybe we need to keep up appearances with them so that it's not weird after," he suggests and watches as I process it. 

"Do you really want to go down and hangout with the girls right now?" I ask eventually with a raised brow as I drop my hand to the bulge in his pants. I try to distract him from the bubble of nerves in my gut but it doesn’t work, he can still see through my attempt at deception as he eases my hand back. 

"I think we have to. Plus those baked goods smelled damn good when I got here," he chuckles and rolls away as I slap against his chest. 

I’m quick to resettle my clothing when we get up, my hands tidying my hair as I look in the mirror. Gilbert waits with his hands in his pockets, his gaze turned to read the books on my shelf until I turn and press a hand to his back to signal my readiness. 

"Just be normal, Anne," he assures, following me out of the bedroom and down the stairs. 

"Easy for you to say but if I remember correctly, it was my desire to be normal that got me into this mess," I hiss as we round into the kitchen. 

There's a frozen minute where the girl's faces all turn towards us, Pris' mouth hanging slightly ajar as Gilbert pulls out a chair and seats me in it. 

"How's it going ladies?" He greets brightly, playing off his usual engaging self. Stella is the first to buy in, steering the conversation easily as together they start working over whatever meal preparations are happening at the stove top. It isn't long before the tension breaks and we find ourselves slipping back into our usual razzing, quick barbs and teasing echoing through the space. 

“What are you even making all of this for, Phil?” I ask eventually, leaning back in my chair as Gilbert slings his arm across my shoulders. The girl pauses as she looks at us, a brow raising for a moment before she looks around the room.

“I’m trying to make the perfect batch for when I meet Jo’s parents tomorrow!” She exclaims then, nerves dotting her excitement. 

“You’re meeting them tomorrow?” I gasp, jumping from my seat and coming to wrap my arms around her. 

“Yes - they’re going to take us for dinner and then drop us off at the ferry. Jo wanted to make sure I met them before I went home for the summer so he could prove I was real,” she laughs, turning to hug the others. 

Conversation eases into plans for the summer and soon I find myself perched once more beside Gilbert, my hand on his knee as his own holds tight to my hip. It feels almost surreal to think that I was going to be staying in this big house alone for the next few months so that I could teach summer school in the city. It was going to be lonely, that much I knew, but the payoff was worth it - I would be able to afford rent for the coming year with solely the income from this job. And I wouldn't be  _ that _ alone, Gilbert would be in town to fill my social needs when he wasn't busy at the paper. At least that's what I had to tell my brain to force myself not to spiral down into the lonely thoughts that the idea bred, choosing instead to keep my attention on the conversation around me.

“Look at you two,” Pris sighs, leaning against her palm as she rests her elbow on the counter. 

“What?” I counter, sitting up more fully in my seat. Stella swats Pris’ arm, turning her back to us once more. 

“Nothing - I guess just lost in my head again,” she answers quickly and then turns to join Stella at the counter. 

“Have you had your fill of weirdness yet, Mr Blythe?” I ask under my breath, leaning towards his chest as Phil starts bagging perfectly rounded cookies into neat sections. 

“Yeah. Although I wouldn’t say it was any weirder than normal, but if you’re asking if we can head out then yes,” he nods, squeezing my hip once and then getting to his feet. “Well ladies, it’s been a slice but we’re going to head out to a movie. I’ll try to drop by tomorrow before you leave to say goodbye?” 

The girls bid their farewells and we gather our things, stepping out onto the front step as a breath of relief fills us. 

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Gilbert asks, turning us towards his apartment as we reach the sidewalk. 

“No. You were right,” I answer lowly and spare a look up towards his wide grin. He had always loved being told he was right and only sometimes did he laud it over me. Today was thankfully not one of those days. “Are we really going to see a movie?” 

“I wasn’t thinking of one but we can if you want to?” He responds as we round the block and his apartment comes into view. 

“I don’t really have any interest in that today,” I say, boldly reaching my hand out to grasp his. His eyes drop to mine, a furrowed look crossing his brow as he flexes his hand in my grip. For a moment I think he’s going to let go, to shake me loose, but then he softens and relaxes into my touch, his fingers linking with mine. The reaction makes me turn my head back towards the ground, an uncertain feeling in my gut. It had felt  _ right _ to reach for him in the moment but now, after seeing the way he’d hesitated, I wasn’t so sure. 

“Do you have anything you want to do instead?” He asks as he opens the front door to his building. In his distraction I steel myself for potential rejection and lean forward on my toes to whisper in his ear. 

“I want to learn how to suck your cock.” 

Gilbert drops his keys, his ears turning red as he looks towards me, shock evident. “Anne,” he stills, watching as I step past him and start climbing the stairs with a purpose. Grabbing his keys from the floor in a swift move, he takes the stairs two at a time until we’re both standing in front of his apartment door, a foot between us. 

Inside the entryway I toe off my shoes as Gilbert tosses his keys into the dish, his posture tight as he looks down at me. “You don’t - “ 

“I know, Rule Five. I’m well versed by now - would you like to invoke Rule Five for yourself?” I ask tightly, my hands coming to rest on my hips. 

“No,” he breathes, shaking his head. His eyes close then, his throat swallowing visibly as I watch him struggle with his own thoughts. Impatient, I step forward and reach my hands up and around his neck, my body coming flush against his. 

“How does this work? Do I just - “ I start sinking to my knees before him, his hands grappling to respond quickly, dragging me back up against him. 

“No - not here,” he rasps and before I can move he’s hauled me up and is carrying me towards the bedroom, slamming the door with his foot as he tosses me on the bed. 

With a soft laugh, I lean up on my elbows and watch as Gilbert paces across the small space, his too large frame restless as he debates something internally. I can practically see the thoughts spinning, can feel him try to find his words as he looks towards me. 

“Come here,” I request, hoping to stem the nerves that radiate off of him. He stops pacing then, looking at me with a bare expression of want. It shocks my system with its openness, the look hinting at a desire that runs deeper than just a surface lust. 

I don't get time to think it over and I'm thankful for it. His moves are quick after that. He pulls his shirt from his shoulders and releases the belt on his jeans, the heavy fabric dropping to the floor with a thump as I watch with a held breath. I can see the outline of his cock through his boxer briefs, his whole frame tense as he stands before me. 

Carefully, gently, I reach out a tentative hand to run along his length, revelling in the tight inhale he draws as I repeat the movement a few times. It doesn’t seem to be enough though and soon I’m easing the fabric from his hips, down his thighs until it drops to the floor and he juts out towards me. 

I feel entirely too clothed but there’s no way I’m going to break the spell that’s wound between us, my hands slowly moving up and down his cock as my eyes watch the expressions shift and change on his face. 

“What should I do?” I ask breathily, my tongue darting out to lick my lips. 

“Just - keep - that. Just like that,” he hisses and his hands tighten at his sides. I continue my motions, my breath tickling along his skin as I move ever closer. 

Impatience wins out and I give in, my tongue flicking against the tip of him in an uncertain gesture. Like an electric bolt runs through him, Gilbert curses as he jerks his hips towards me uncontrollably, his length poking into my cheek in an unexpected assault. 

“Sorry,” he grumbles, stepping back from me reactively. I laugh gently and slide my hands to his butt, drawing him back towards the edge of the bed and close enough to feel the heat of him against me.

I say nothing. Instead I use my lips to communicate as I slowly guide him into my mouth. Once he’s there though I’m not quite sure what to do next, my hands stilling as I slowly slide him back out. 

“Gil,” I whisper, looking up at him with wide eyes. He manages to look at me then, his expression breaking into a wide smile as he dips towards me. I’m not prepared for the way he swoops into my space, his nose bumping mine as his palms come to bracket my face and his forehead rests against my own. A breath away from his lips I exhale, his body stilling mid-move.

Was that it? Surely that wasn’t all you had to do, I think confusedly, my heart racing as he slowly leans back from what was almost a violation of Rule Six. 

_ Gods, save me _ , I groan internally, easing my arms above my head to give myself a breather as he pulls my shirt from my torso. He forces himself to take another minute as he strips me of the rest of my clothes, my tiny frame finally as exposed as his. 

“Was that…” I ask carefully, leaning on my palm above him as he stretches out on his back. 

“Definitely not. But we don’t have to keep going if you don’t want - “ 

“I do. Tell me what to do,” I interject hotly, looking down at him with a determined gaze. 

“Okay - okay,” he sighs and reaches for my hand, guiding my grip to his length and eagerly watching as I move to lean over him. My hair drops to brush against his chest, the red mess sliding across his skin. “I don’t know how to give you step by step instructions here because my brain has stopped working. But just think that the goal is to replicate the act of sex, so warm, wet, and a bit of suction. Absolutely no teeth or I swear to God Anne - “ 

“Got it!” I burst, nervously looking down towards his length. My body shifts to get closer, my tongue darting out again to flash against the tip, collecting the bead of pre-cum that gathers there. Gilbert looks like he’ll fall apart at the sight, his whole being about to explode as I explore him with my tongue and his head flops back against the pillow. 

When my mouth finally sinks onto him, my lips wrapping around my teeth as I take him in as far as I can go, he bucks and swears above me in a move that gives me a sign of just how close he is. I smile internally as he has to grip the sheets in his fists, forcing himself to keep from grabbing at me like a starved animal. 

Repeating the movement a few times I eventually start to find a rhythm, my hand coming to join in the motion as I realize I can guide him easier with my grip. The feeling overwhelms him and he begins to thrust up into my mouth, a small moan escaping from him as I pull back just enough to let my lips rest against his tip. 

“Don’t stop,” he hisses, his hand coming to gently brush the hair from my face. I look up at him, his cock against my mouth and a small smile on my face. 

There’s a wash of thoughts in his expression as I watch him - the want clear above all else but something more hidden in the edges. I knew in that moment that I wasn’t sure I would survive this agreement - that neither of us would. I knew it because the hidden bits I saw in his gaze then were mirrored back at him from my own eyes, something unnamed that I needed to shove back into my chest else I lost my damn mind. 

“Gil, what do you like?” I ask lowly, choosing instead to distract myself as my palm slowly drags up and down his length, waiting for him to come back to his senses. 

“Anything you do -  _ anything _ ,” he grumbles and I exhale, my breath against his wet tip causing him to shiver and jolt. With a sly smile on my lips I return my mouth around him, beginning in earnest to follow a pattern and take him deeper with every chance. 

His taste on my tongue only seems to drive me forward as I focus on the way his body reacts, how his hips move for this touch or how he lets a guttural grunt escape as I do that. When his hand slips into my hair, cupping the back of my head, I don’t fight the way he gently guides my movements into a quicker pattern. Instead I follow it, my own body growing more excited as he shows me just what he likes. There’s something thrilling about his hands controlling my movements that sparks a pang of need between my legs and it spurs me on. 

We move together in a steady pattern until his hand tightens in my hair, his hips thrusting out of sync as he tries to guide me up and away from his length. I moan as his hand taps quickly at my shoulder, his breathing doubling above me. 

"I’m gonna come,” he manages to hiss, his fingers flexing in my hair as I make a split second choice to take him deeper. He groans at the movement and his hips buck up into my mouth, his cum shooting against the back of my throat as string after string fills my mouth. 

I’m not prepared for the depth of his length or the amount that's released and I abruptly choke, drawing back quickly as I try to swallow before coughing, my lungs screaming for air. My whole body rattles as I try to catch my breath, Gilbert somehow finding the energy to lean forward and rub my back as I gasp pathetically for air. 

“You’re okay,” he repeats against my ear, his voice soft as I cover my face in embarrassment. His hand slides up to the back of my neck and he guides me against his chest, my breathing finally starting to even out as his arms hold me close. 

“I fucked that up so badly,” I moan eventually, hiding my face from him. I couldn't bear to meet his eyes, not after _ that _ performance. I would never hear the end of this.

“Really? Cause it was one of the best fucking blow jobs I’ve ever had, at least until I thought you were going to choke to death,” he adds with a chuckle, his palm continuing to rub slow motions across my back. 

I follow him as he eases us back against the mattress, my body determinedly tucked against his as he pulls the blanket over our shoulders. 

“I feel like I made a fool of myself,” I grumble miserably. 

“You attempted an expert move, my friend. Next time when the guy tells you he’s going to come you should listen to him and steer clear,” he adds teasingly. I cringe and cover my face once more. 

“I thought you had to - I thought that’s what - “ 

“No, absolutely not. Don’t ever listen to anyone who tells you you have to swallow or I swear to God I will find out and - “ 

“And what?” I counter, finally looking up at him with a timid smile. 

“I don’t know exactly. Just know that you don’t have - “ 

“To do anything you don’t want to. Got it. But you should know that even though I made an ass out of myself, I definitely  _ wanted _ to do  _ that  _ for  _ you _ , okay?” 

“Okay,” he answers tightly, his breath held for a moment as he looks down at me. “On another more pressing note - how are you doing? Are you okay? Want me to - “ 

“Not right now. The mood was kind of lost for me when I almost died just there. I think I just want to lay here like this for a bit,” I answer dreamily, curling in closer to his chest. His heart rate jumps in his chest and he presses a kiss to the crown of my head as he hums his approval, his arm tightening around me as though I was bound to float away if he didn’t. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahem, that was somewhat of a double-whammy so I'm here if you need to discuss it because we definitely covered a lot of ground in this one...


	8. Abandon the Rules

Sunday comes too fast, our evening together spent watching Netflix in our underwear as we eat takeout on Gilbert’s couch. It’s the small hours of the morning when I awake from where I’d fallen asleep on the deep sofa, Gilbert’s head on my chest and his arm wrapped protectively around my waist to keep me from falling onto the floor. 

I realize quickly that I feel at ease as I watch the infomercial playout on the television, the low volume impossible to hear as my fingers play in the curls of his hair. It feels normal, natural, to be here with him like this. 

“Do you ever think about how hard your life must be if you can’t figure out how to store Tupperware?” Gilbert asks groggily, breaking into my thoughts as his hand shifts to splay across my belly. 

“To be fair, she has somehow magically piled it that high in her cupboards before. Maybe there was an earthquake.” 

“Or, and I'm just throwing this out there, maybe it’s a scam,” he quips, looking up at me with his chin against my sternum. His hair is flattened on one side and I can’t help but run my fingers through it, breaking it back into its usual messy style. “Hi,” he greets when I finish, a smile brightening his features as his eyes lock on mine.

“Hi,” I reply in return, my heart skipping in my chest. 

“Did you, um, want to stay the night again? We don’t have to do anything and that’s not why I’m asking I just - “ 

“Yeah, I do,” I interrupt with a quick nod. 

“Good!” He smiles, shifting up so he can press a kiss to my cheek. His movement makes his skin press flush to mine, my body shivering at the contact as I become fully aware that the air conditioner was not even on in that moment as a reasonable excuse. He must feel whatever it is too because instead of crawling off the couch like I expect, Gilbert eases himself down into the cradle of my legs, stretching out along my frame until I can feel all of him pressing my body into the cushions, his gaze focused on mine in the low light. It doesn’t feel like it did before, the anxiety nowhere to be found, and I’m thankful for my brain taking a break from panicking in that moment as I try desperately to understand the thoughts that are starting to spin.

“Gil,” I hum eventually, not wanting to stop the nuzzling kisses he’s placing along my jaw but still somehow needing to take in oxygen. “It’s hard to breathe like this,” I hiss, laughing as he pulls back and bounces up to a seated position before pulling me with him. I go along like a ragdoll, settling onto his thighs as we catch each other’s gaze once more. 

“Better?” He asks quietly, his hand running along my spine. 

I think then about our agreement. About Rule Three and the fact that today was the last actual day. I didn’t want it to end. We hadn’t even gotten to the point of the whole arrangement and it was almost over, or at least that's what I told myself was the reason for the anxiety I had about ending things. I can't admit any other reason. I refuse.

Making a choice instead, I shift and get to my knees, easing myself down against him with a leg on each side of his thighs. His quick inhale has me looking at him, uncertainty in my gaze as I silently ask for his approval. His hands cupping my ass gives me the yes I need and I sink lower, relaxing against him for a moment to catch my breath. Eventually I know I’ll need to move again, my body needing more than the contact I currently had, but still I wait until I’m ready. If I was going to do this tonight I wanted to be sure I was ready. I needed to be sure. 

Gilbert seems content to let me rest against him, his hands drifting along my exposed skin as he feels my breathing start to slow. It’s obvious in the way his hands flex and press that he longs to touch me more fully, to maybe watch as I fall apart at his touch and to kiss me - really kiss me for once - but we both know we need this moment to just be two souls together, the quiet time in between the shadows of our rules.

My fingers graze against his chest, sliding across its expanse to his shoulders before making him open his eyes and look up into my grey depths. The smile I wear, hesitant but still mine, makes him still under my touch as slowly I roll my hips against his lap. I rest my head against his chest and continue to press into him, moaning softly as he matches my moves and shifts up against me. 

Together we writhe in a silent dance, hands clinging to one another as his length hardens in his boxers and my wetness dampens my panties. Pressing and shifting, skin to skin as soon our mouths find purchase wherever we can. His lips barely leave my chest, my neck, as his hands hold and pull me closer with every breath.

“ _ Anne _ ,” Gilbert murmurs, his fingers nearly leaving bruises on my hips as he grinds up against me. I nip at his shoulder in return, wrapping my arms tightly around him and yelping as he gets to his feet unexpectedly. My legs wrap around his hips as he carries me into the bedroom, dropping me on the bed in an ungraceful heap. 

I lay before him all pale skin and flushed red, his body towering over mine as he slowly eases the underwear from my hips. Half expecting him to crash down on top of me, I’m surprised when he drags me to the edge of the bed, sinking to his knees as he settles between my legs. 

“You’ve already taught me this,” I laugh, tangling my hands in his hair and forcing him to look up at me. 

“I told you I loved to do it though. Is this okay?” He asks softly, his palms resting on my thighs. I nod and his mouth breaks out into a wide smile before he leans in and lets his lips and tongue explore my folds.

His hands guide my legs further apart, his fingers sliding along my skin before he slips one inside of me. I jump as his tongue flicks against my clit, a hiss escaping from me as my hands tighten in his hair. Lost in the feel of his onslaught I try to lay back, to open myself more fully to him, but he urges me to keep sitting, to roll my hips against his face and feel him suck and lick my core until I’m lost in the sensations. 

When I come against his mouth it feels like my bones have disintegrated, my whole body collapsing forward as my hands splay across his back to keep upright. He feels me falling forward and gets to his feet, guiding me back onto the mattress until he’s spread alongside me. His length juts against my belly and I lazily palm it, closing my eyes for a moment as I listen to him sigh under my attention. 

“I want you to fuck me, Gil,” I whisper hoarsely, finally looking up at him through a dazed expression. He cups my cheek, his fingers gentle as they brush my hair behind my ear. 

His actions feel foreign in response to my choice of words - his soft touches compared with my request to be  _ fucked _ \- but neither of us question it. Maybe I was hiding behind the crude choice of words. Maybe he was determined to soften me in a moment of uncertainty. It didn’t matter, not really. All that did matter was the here and now and how I wanted it to be  _ him. _

“You’re sure?” He asks, a hint of nervous uncertainty in his voice. I nod, my own free hand coming up to mirror his. “Okay.  _ Okay _ ,” he agrees and leans towards the bedside table to open the drawer. 

I grab the condom from his hand, easing him onto his back as I open the wrapper. 

“Show me,” I request softly, holding the rubber tentatively in my grip. 

“Grab it here,” he murmurs, holding the top between his fingers. I follow his movements and unfurl the sheath along his length, a proud grin covering my face as I look down at him. “You look like the cat that just ate the canary,” he chides playfully, a hand bringing my knuckles to his lips. 

“Can I - is it weird for me to be on top? I think I freaked out last time because you’re so tall and maybe - “ 

“It’s not weird at all,” he interrupts, softening his gaze as I nervously shift beside him. “I’m not going to hurt you, Anne. You’re in control here, okay?” 

“Stop being so nice,” I grumble, brushing my hand across my face in frustration. 

“Not a chance,” he counters and pulls my hand back down so he can see my face. Our eyes meet and he offers me a wink, the move making me break out into laughter as he guides me astride him. 

Kneeling over his waist, I rest my hands on his chest, my heat hovering over his length as I try to calm my racing heart. 

“Does it hurt? I feel like I've been told it does,” I hesitate as he uses his hand to rub his sheathed tip through my folds. 

“Maybe only for a few minutes. If it hurts too much we’ll stop, okay?” He adds, pausing as he lines himself with my entrance. “Open your eyes,” he requests and when I do he lifts his hips slowly, the tip of his cock pressing against my center. Nervously I adjust, eyes locking on his as I shift above him.

“Gil, I'm nervous,” I whimper, my hands clenching against the skin of his chest. 

“Me too,” he counters, his hands gently rubbing up and down my thighs. Slowly I lower myself down, my lip between my teeth as I hiss at the intrusion. He’s big - bigger than his fingers - and the stretch feels sharp as I fill myself as far as I can manage. Below me I can feel his body tense, his hands flexing against my hips as he fights to hold still until eventually I lift myself up and let my body slide back down his length. 

It doesn’t hurt as much the third, or fourth time I repeat the move and soon it barely hurts at all, my body accommodating his girth as I start to shift more confidently above him. 

“Okay?” He breathes eventually, watching as I rise and fall. I nod and it makes him groan as he starts to match my movements, his hands finally moving from my hips as one reaches up to my breast, the other sinking to rub at my clit in the motion he knows I like most. 

My skin starts to flush as it begins to feel good, my torso leaning over him as he quickens his pace. I stop trying to keep up and simply let his hands move against me, his cock sliding in and out of me in deep thrusts that make my body sing. It isn’t long before he’s shifting us onto my back, our bodies still joined as he lifts my thigh and somehow starts to drive deeper. 

My moans turn to cries of pleasure as each thrust brings me closer, every movement making me lose my mind a little bit more. 

“Fuck, you feel so goddamn good,” he grunts, his head resting in the crux of my neck. I can’t form the words to reply, the one thing I do well faltering as he fucks me harder into the mattress. I hadn't expected it to feel good, let alone for it to feel like  _ this _ . The groan that escapes his chest is the signal of how close he is, my own body tightening as his hand desperately tries to bring me over the edge before he starts to lose control of his movements. 

His body grows tense and his hips jerk forward, grinding down into me as a moan escapes him and I in turn burst into a thousand stars. In a haze of orgasmic bliss I feel his lips find mine, seeking and taking as his tongue slips between my teeth. 

The kiss lasts until the remnants of my orgasm start to pass, my consciousness slowly becoming aware of his hands against my cheeks, the soft pressure of his fingers holding me in place as he slowly comes back to himself. 

There’s a moment when he withdraws, his eyes finding mine in the low light as his body stills in surprise, almost as if he hadn't been conscious of what he was doing.

_ Rule Six, Rule Six, Rule Six _ , screams silently in my head, his steadfast rule broken as I stare back at him with a stunned expression, the taste of him still on my lips. 

But then he nuzzles his nose against mine and dips his head down once more, the featherlight touch of his kiss breaking the last of the barriers between us as he asks for silent permission. I can't deny him - maybe I never could - and so I let my lips meet his once again. 

The kiss shatters all sense and reason for the rules, my mind focused only on him and him alone. I don't care that we'd argued for almost an hour about the rules. I don't care that he'd wanted this rule more than any other. All I  _ can _ care about is how he steals my breath, how his lips are sweet and how a tiny whimper escapes his throat as I let my tongue slip into his mouth, seeking, tasting more of him in return.    
Time slows as we meld together. My arms come up and wrap around his shoulders in an unspoken acceptance as Gilbert deepens the kiss, finally,  _ finally _ , bridging the divide that the agreement had carefully built between us. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.... How are we feeling? You guys still alive out there?


	9. The End

I’m not sure what to do as I look at my phone in the early morning light. I remember it buzzing repeatedly last night but I hadn’t bothered to check it until now, too content to hide out in Gilbert's embrace as we huddled together under the cover of his sheets. My texts are filled with messages from the girls, their late night revelling lasting long into the night. I wasn’t worried about them though - I was worried about the messages from Roy. 

_ Thought I’d find u out w Patty’s Pals but I only found Pris who won’t tell me where u are  _

_ looking forward to Tues _

A heart emoji and an eggplant. I knew what  _ that _ meant and it made me uneasy even though it shouldn’t. Hadn’t that been why I’d pushed Gilbert into this mess? So I could be normal around Roy if I actually invited him into my home one summer night? Or had I come up with this ridiculous plan for another reason I couldn’t readily admit to myself?

_ Jesus, I’d made a mess of things. _ We’d broken the rules, the carefully debated rules that were meant to keep us at arms length from each other so that we could be friends after. But it felt different now. Everything felt different in the new light of day and when I look towards Gilbert’s sleeping frame, his dark lashes on his cheeks as his hand rests on my stomach, I can't help but feel a twinge in my gut. 

It wasn’t just the sex that caused it, though that  _ had _ blown my mind. There was something else about the way he’d held me after, about how he’d barely stopped touching me throughout the night as we woke and shifted closer together. He'd held me as though he was afraid I was going to disappear and I'd held tight to him too, betraying my own need to keep the lines between us clear. 

_ Nope _ . I couldn’t think about it. I was absolutely and totally royally fucked and I had no idea what to do with the feelings rumbling in my chest. 

“It’s too early to be thinking that hard,” Gilbert grumbles, his eyes closed as I look down at him. 

“How do you even know I’m awake?” 

“You’re more tense when you’re awake and when you’re quiet you’re usually thinking,” he answers softly. “Come lay back down with me.” 

“I should really get showered and go see the girls off,” I say instead of agreeing, forcing my breathing to steady as he opens his eyes to look at me. There’s a drawn out pause as his gaze searches mine, tentative as he tries to figure out how to respond without scaring me off. 

“Yeah, okay. That makes sense,” he mutters and pulls his hand from my belly as though reluctantly letting me go.

I get to my feet slowly, dragging the sheet to the edge of the bed with me in some ridiculous sense of modesty that I grow more frustrated with every step further I get. 

“I’ve already seen you fully naked,” Gilbert reminds me, a laugh behind his words. I groan and drop the sheet, stepping across the room with a false confidence that makes him chuckle from the bed. 

“Fine - laugh at me if you will. I was debating inviting you to join me but now - “ 

“I’ll behave!” He interjects, bouncing to the edge of the bed and following me out of the room with a light slap on my ass. I’ll miss this closeness tomorrow when the term of the agreement is finally over. Would it go back to how it was? Would he still share those little touches that he probably didn’t realize he was even doing? Worse, would I miss them when they were gone?

_ Stop it, Anne. _

Inside the small bathroom we take turns brushing our teeth as the water warms. Gilbert is the first to step into the cool stream and take the brunt of the water pressure, thankfully blocking the chill until I’m able to ease into it. I find myself feeling surprisingly less awkward when he switches our spots, his attention focused solely on lathering up as I dunk my head under the cascade of water. My red mane is abruptly filled with soap as I step back, Gilbert’s hands busy massaging my head and making my knees weak at the same time.

“You’ve gotta pull yourself together, Carrots,” he teases as I turn clumsily and rinse my hair. I can feel him poking into my hip and I scoff in return, boldly dropping a hand to wrap around his length until he thrusts haphazardly into my touch. 

“I could say the same for you,” I respond as my hand drops, his groan echoing off the tiles. 

“Clearly I’ve created a monster,” he mumbles and rotates me out of the stream of water so that he can rinse the shampoo out of his hair. I seize the chance to run my hands over his back, the water sliding down his broad shoulders and creating a tantalizing path to his butt. “Come on,” he groans again, turning back to face me as I look up at him. 

We stand toe to toe under the shower’s pressure, Gilbert’s hands flexing at his sides as I lean forward until my breasts graze the hair on his chest. 

“Did I thank you yet, for helping me?” I rasp, shuffling infinitely closer. There’s a fire in my chest and it isn’t just my want for him - it’s something more that I can’t quite name but I know I have to listen to or risk extinguishing it forever.

“That’s what friends are for,” he croaks in return, uncertainty in his voice. I lean closer and lift my arms around his neck, forcing him to pull me tight against him. 

“I think you went above the call of duty,” I whisper, his face so close to mine that I can feel his breath along my lips. “And I really appreciate it!” I add and drop back onto the soles of my feet, putting some distance between us as I chicken out. 

The move doesn’t phase him though like I expect and it’s my turn to be caught off guard when he pulls me back against him, his hands framing my face as he leans in and kisses me. I freeze against him, this kiss different than the ones from the night before. Those could be blamed on the heat of the moment, the post-orgasmic bliss, but this one was unexpected and in the cold light of day. 

Or at least that’s what I tell myself when he pulls back, a furrow in his brow. 

“Rule Six?” I murmur, staring at him with wide eyes. 

“I don’t want the rules anymore. I just want you,” he states and waits for me to recoil, for me to push him away. 

But I don’t. I can’t. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to hurt him, or because I can’t process what he’s saying with the limited amount of sleep I’ve had, or even because maybe, just maybe, I don’t want the rules either. All I know for certain is that I will not be the first to return that barrier between us. 

So when Gilbert smiles then, his face lighting up as he ducks his head once more to capture my lips, I wrap my arms tighter around his neck and let him press me back against the tiles. We dissolve into each other after that - Gilbert’s hands follow the water down between my legs as my nails scratch at the skin of his neck. 

“I want you,” I moan as his lips trail a burning path down my neck, the water doing nothing to cool the fire stoking higher within me. 

I half expect him to take me right then and there, my foot lifting and balancing me carefully on the edge of the tub as he guides himself through my folds. I want it - I want him inside of me immediately - but all he does is slide his length along my opening, driving me mad with frustrated want. In the haze of my desire I drop my hand between us and tilt my hips, guiding the tip of him inside of me until he growls and pulls out. 

“ _ Anne _ ,” he groans, stilling his assault on my body as he forces himself away.

“It’s okay,” I rasp, desperate to repeat the effort and feel him inside of me. I needed him close again. I needed him to keep me from floating away.

“No - no it’s not,” he urges and grasps at my hips, holding me at a distance from him as he struggles to catch his breath. “Rule Four. I’m invoking Rule Four.” 

"But - "

"Rule Four, Anne,  _ please _ ," he pleads softly.

My chest heaves as I try to remember Rule Four. No additional partners. 

Proper precautions. 

_ Oh. _

“I trust you. It’s okay,” I attempt, my hand rising to cup his cheek and turn his eyes back to mine. The water continues to pound down on us, droplets blinding me as I try to meet his gaze. 

“It’s - it’s - “ he pauses and slaps the faucet off, his hands coming up to cup my chin. “Have you thought this through? Are you on the pill? Are you taking any precautions at all?” 

“No,” I answer defeatedly, heat rising to my cheeks as I realize what he was asking. I was definitely smarter than  _ that _ but my mind refused to use logic when I wanted him this badly. But he didn't forget. Even in the midst of our want he still put me first and the realization shook me.

“Then it’s a definite no without a condom, okay? I’m not getting you into trouble for a quickie in the shower while doing some ridiculous agreement that - “ 

“Gilbert,” I stop him, my brows furrowing. “You have approximately one minute to go get a condom then, or take me to one, before I focus in on the fact that - “ 

He abruptly steps out of the tub, grabbing me about the waist and carrying me into the bedroom once more. There he tosses me on the bed and rips open his bedside drawer, opening the foil with his teeth and slipping the condom on in a smooth motion. I’ve barely caught my breath before he’s crawling over me, his hands opening my legs as he lines himself with my entrance. In one quick move he’s filled me to the brim, my yelp surprising him and forcing him to slow his movements in an impossible measure of self-control. 

“Come here,” he urges, reaching for my hands and pulling them up and around his neck. He helps me shift until my knees are aligned with his rear, my legs straddling his thighs as our chests press tightly together. “Is this okay?” 

I nod, my teeth biting my lip until he guides my chin forward and his lips seek out mine. The kiss is gentle, far removed from the urgent pace he’d set to bring me into the bedroom, and I savour it as he starts to move inside me. 

The tight soreness from the night before takes a few moments to get used to, my body slow to join the flow his hips make as he steadily thrusts into me, but once I do it feels otherworldly as I press down into his every rise. 

We move together in an unhurried time, hands clinging to heads and necks and shoulders as tongues and teeth lick and nip. Eventually my hand slips between us and I start to work myself, comfortable enough with Gilbert to bring myself to the edge along with him. When we both fall apart, holding tight to one another, it feels like we’re sharing one body, the real world where we were separate beings too harsh a concept to understand. 

But that moment can only last so long and Gilbert eases me back along the sheets, withdrawing from me and discarding the used condom in the trash beside his bed before draping his body over mine. 

We lay in the quiet then, my leg tucked between his as his fingers drift along my side. I try to stamp down the feelings in my chest, my mind firing shot after shot of impossible imaginings that put Gilbert and I together beyond this agreement. He must see my internal struggle because he doesn’t press me for more, instead only watching me with a soft gaze as the thoughts wage war in my head. 

“I really should go,” I lament later as the sun drifts higher in the sky and the worries start to tangle within me. They were getting bigger than I was prepared to face - especially with the cause of them currently tracing patterns along my skin - and I needed to get out of here before they spilled out of me. Beside me my phone buzzes, haunting me like a bad dream and sealing my plan. 

“I know,” he responds, choosing instead to only draw me closer to him in that moment. 

“Do you think we should end it now? Before… “ I hesitate, feeling him still beside me. 

“If that’s what you want,” he whispers, sparing a glance towards me that shakes me to the core. His look is longing, openly wanting, and it makes me want to run for the hills at the truth that lays bare in his expression. 

Phil was right. 

I was fucked. 

“I think - I think that might be best,” I whisper, pain crackling within me as he looks sharply away. 

“Yep. Okay.” His short words bely his hurt and he pulls back, sliding to the edge of the bed before pulling on his boxers and running his hands through his hair in frustration. “I need to - um - check something,” he mumbles abruptly and disappears out the bedroom door. 

I hastily escape the bed, pulling on my clothes and stuffing my underwear into my pocket as I pull my damp hair back out of my face. Outside the bedroom Gilbert is leaning against the counter in the kitchen, his eyes red as he avoids my eye contact. 

“Will I see you later? Before they leave?” I ask softly as I slip on my shoes and grab my bag from the table. It feels wrong to leave, like I was running from something I couldn’t name, but I know I have to or else I’d risk losing him altogether. I couldn't ruin our friendship. I couldn't think about the path forward without him.

“Maybe. Give me a bit, okay?” His voice is firm but his expression is hollow as he watches me open the door. With a brisk nod I slip from the apartment and stumble out into the hallway before taking off as though the building was on fire. 

* * *

“He’s not coming?” Phil asks as I try to lie about Gilbert having to work instead. She doesn’t buy it but Jo’s parents are down the hall, enjoying the cookies that are offered in the living room of Patty’s Place and so I know she won’t press me on it after calling my bullshit. 

“No. We ended the agreement today so he didn’t think it was wise…” My voice falters, my heart seizing in my chest as I say it. Why did I feel like this? It wasn’t real. None of it had been real, not really. It was all just some stupid asinine agreement that I should never have started in the first place. I was such a fool to let it get this far. What was I even thinking? Why did I do this to myself? To Gilbert? 

“Okay,” Phil states, watching as I shift awkwardly before her, tangled up in my thoughts. “Do you want me to stay another night? I know the girls can’t because of their flights but maybe I could catch the ferry tomorrow and - “ 

“No, Phil you’ve got to go,” I sigh, exhaling forcefully and brushing my hands punishingly against my face. “I’ll be fine. I got myself into this, I’ll just have to figure the way out too.” 

“Or you could just admit that I was right and recognize you have feelings for him too?” Phil grins, pulling me against her chest into a tight hug. “But you won’t listen to me just yet. You’ll just have to sleep in the bed you made or spend the whole summer alone, working, without anyone fun…” 

“He’ll bounce back. It’s Gilbert,” I grumble, barely believing it myself. I’d seen the way he’d looked as I left, like I’d torn out his heart and jumped all over it. Maybe I  _ would _ have to spend the summer alone, at least until I could figure out how to be around him again.  _ If _ I could ever be around him again.

“Anne, we’re leaving now!” Stella calls from the front hall, Phil and I pulling apart to go see our friends off for the break. 

Three bone-crushing hugs later and I stand alone in my living room, the house quiet around me for the first time in months. What was I even going to do with all of this silence? Certainly it would drive me mad before the summer was out? 

With a defeated sigh, I retreat to my room and ready myself for bed, determined to spend the rest of my day moping under my covers. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, I've got even more bad news to pile onto this miserable chapter. I'm working on the last few chapters still so this is your notice that Saturday's post might be a day or so late - I'll do my very best not to drag it out! Thank you for all your love so far, I'm just so pleased with everyone enjoying it!


	10. Roy Rogers

Tuesday comes and I still haven’t heard from Gilbert, the silence more painful than I’d wanted to admit. I hadn’t realized just how much I relied on him for human contact, especially now that the girls were gone. He had been my study buddy, my co-coffee fiend, and my confidant. Now he was radio silence on the other end of my phone. 

Maybe I  _ had _ broken us beyond repair - how could he forgive me for using him like I had? Like some living textbook to learn from that I abandoned at the end of another semester? The guilt seemed to eat away at me with every day longer that I didn’t hear from him. I wanted to reach out and talk to him but I’d promised to give him time, the hurt look on his face as I’d ran from his place haunting me like a bad dream. I’d made such a mess. 

Sitting down to lunch alone once again, a book in hand as I nibble on my sandwich, I startle as my phone buzzes on the table. Half-expecting it to be Gilbert I lurch for the device, disappointed when Roy’s name pops up instead.

_ Ready 4 2nite? _

I type out an answer, delete it, type another and then read it over twice more before hitting send. 

_ When and where? _

Short and to the point, perfect for the way I was feeling. 

_ Can't do 5. Ur place at 8? I’ll pick u up? _

_ Perfect.  _

I drop the phone back on the table and finish my lunch, taking my reading into the backyard and settling under the tree along the fence. Time slips by and before I realize it I’m late to get ready, my feet reluctantly forcing myself upstairs and into my favourite summer dress, the one Gilbert once told me brought out my eyes. 

Roy is late to arrive and I try not to notice, lounging on the couch with my book until he knocks on my door thirty minutes behind schedule. 

“Sorry! I forgot to get you these,” he greets, thrusting a handful of roses at me. I take them from him, a throne puncturing my palm unexpectedly as I drop the stems to the floor. Roy chuckles and reaches down to gather them, motioning towards the rear of the house and taking off inside as I duck into the bathroom to run the cut under water. 

He comes back with a paper towel, thrusting it towards me and then hooking his thumb over his shoulder. “You ready to take off?” He asks brightly. 

I nod, uncertain of myself as Roy takes my keys and locks the house up for me. With his arm around my shoulders, I’m steered towards a sleek black car and settled inside with little fanfare. 

Conversation throughout dinner is wholly one-sided, the man’s opinion of himself higher than I expected or remembered after our last conversations over drinks and in classes. I try to perk up, to participate more fully, but every opportunity catches me unaware and I don’t quite know how to be with anyone in a setting like this. I can’t help but compare him to dinner the other night with Gilbert, how easily we’d fallen into conversation and how he’d wanted me to talk even if he’d heard my stories a hundred times before. 

_ Gods, I hadn’t thought the evening would go this terribly, had I?  _

Lost in thought, my attention drifts as Roy continues rambling about his summer golf plans. Across the bar a couple leans towards one another and a man next to them sips at his drink, his shoulders up around his ears. I can't help but feel the familiar twinge of recognition, my teeth chewing on the inside of my cheek as I move my gaze between my plate and the trio.

"What have you been up to? Since school ended?" Roy interrupts my wandering thoughts.

"Oh, um… just hanging out, relaxing now that the semester is done," I offer. He takes the input and manages to steer the conversation back to himself easily, leaving me once more to people watch. 

It's then that the man at the bar turns and I recognize Gilbert get to his feet, his hand resting on the woman's shoulder as he leans in between the pair. The woman reaches up a palm to his cheek and then leans up to place a kiss there, my heart sinking with understanding. 

I have to look away but I can't. I try. I fail. I watch as Gilbert smiles down at her, the woman's black hair sparkling in the low light as she runs a hand through it. They looked good together. I hated it.

But then Gilbert turns, his eyes catching mine like radar locking onto a target. I feel my skin flush and my mouth dry as his smile falters, his gaze flickering to Roy before he forces himself to look away. Before I realize what's happening Gilbert is heading towards the bathroom, disappearing inside where I can't go after him.

“Would you like to go back to your place? Watch a movie?” Roy asks as he pays the cheque. I look down at my plate - had I even eaten anything? Had I had time? We'd barely been out more than an hour and he was already itching to leave. Maybe it was for the best to go now - I could give Gilbert the space to enjoy the rest of his night with the beautiful woman at the bar. I try not to let the thought sour me as I look down at my plate and grab a last bite from the entree. 

“Yeah - I guess so,” I answer evenly, figuring I had nothing better to do tonight. Gilbert was definitely not going to call me now, not based on the look I'd seen on his face before he hightailed it to the back of the bar. Besides, I was with Roy tonight and I had to give him a shot to salvage the evening. Maybe things would go smoother once I was back home and focused only on him. Maybe.

Inside Patty’s Place once more we settle beside each other on the couch, Roy deftly starting up Netflix as he toggles between the titles. He settles on an action flick, one I’ve never heard of nor really have any interest in watching, before he boldly slips his arm around the back of my shoulders to drag me against him. 

The position isn’t as comfortable as I have come to expect, my neck held at an awkward angle against his chest until I shift to try to feel less like I’m stuck, my hand grazing his chest and causing him to look down at me with a suggestive smile. His kiss isn’t gentle or unassuming. It’s bruising against my lips, his hands tight as they hold me against him. 

I feel trapped as he shifts and leans over me, his torso pressing against mine until I’m forced backwards onto the couch cushions. I’m not prepared for this onslaught, this assault and forced intimacy. I wanted check ins and permission, to not feel like someone’s tongue was going fishing down my throat. Was that too much to ask?

“You’re so hot, Anne. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize,” he hisses as his hands push brusquely at the straps of my dress. 

“Roy - I need - “ 

“Shh, babe. It’s okay, I’ve got you,” he urges in between breaths as his mouth begins a sucking feeling against the skin of my neck. 

“No - I need a minute,” I demand and roll out from under him, my body thumping onto the floor and causing the cut on my palm to re-open with a stinging burn. Quick to put my feet under me and some space between us, I disappear down the hall to the bathroom and close the door, locking it behind me to give myself some room to breathe. 

Looking at myself in the mirror, I take in the mess of my hair, the redness of my lips and the tiny bruise that’s forming on my neck. Had he really given me a hickey? Were we 15 all over again? My fingers light over it and I groan, leaning against the sink for a moment while I collect my thoughts and shove my memories of other men - of other hands that didn’t know their place - back into the depths of my mind. I couldn’t focus on that now or else I’d be in here all night. I had to pull it together and face this or else everything I'd done up until this point - all the carnage and the distance I'd caused - would be for nothing. 

Outside the bathroom, I can hear Roy’s voice in the other room, confusion spearing me as he talks louder than the action sequence playing on the television. 

“Who are you talking to?” I ask, re-appearing in the living room with my arms crossed over my chest. 

“Oh - that Blythe fellow. Called looking for you. I told him you were indisposed at the moment,” Roy says with a wink, on his feet and stalking slowly towards me. 

His words make my heart clench, a hurt rippling through me at the thought of Gilbert knowing Roy was here. About Gilbert knowing I brought someone else  _ home _ when it should be  _ him _ . 

“You had no right to answer my phone, Roy,” I snap, stepping by him and grabbing the device from the table. 

“Hold on now - I was doing you a favour! It must be a lot of work to keep him on such a short leash, I deserve a little bit of a thank you, don’t you think?” 

“Get out!” I burst, pushing my hands into his chest and knocking him a step backwards. 

“What? Are you really upset at me? I  _ helped  _ you! I bought you dinner and this is what I get in return? A shitty kiss and a boot in the ass?” Roy snarls, standing up to his full height. I force myself not to recoil under his anger, steadying my nerves to rear back at him. I wouldn’t take this from him, of all people. I refused to cower in front of another man when I knew better than to be satisfied with the measly scraps of ‘affection’ he thought he was offering. 

“Of course that’s what you get you pompous asshole! You haven’t managed to learn a damn thing about me all night and now you’ve crossed the line. Get  _ out! _ ” I scream and it works, his eyes rolling as he swears and grabs his keys from the table. My chest heaves as my fists clench at my sides, watching him as he moves slowly across the room. 

“Fucking tease is what you are,” he growls, stomping towards the front door. I stand stock still in the hallway, my arms crossed over my chest as he whips the door open and lets it slap angrily against the coat rack. 

When he’s finally gone I manage to exhale a breath, my anger slow to dissipate as I slam the door shut behind him. It had been a mistake. All of it. The date, liking him, everything I’d done to try to appease him. But worse, in my misstep I’d likely destroyed the one friendship I knew I couldn’t live without. 

My chest hurts as I think about Gilbert on the other end of the call. I’d given him time like he’d asked but this was the worst possible outcome I could have imagined and I knew the only thing I could do was try to fix it as best I could. 

Dialing his number quickly I drop onto the stairs, my phone held to my ear as I listen to the ringtone. It goes to voicemail. Once. Twice. By the third time I’m groaning inwardly, fully aware that he was purposely ignoring my calls at this point. 

“Fine,” I grumble as his voice recording plays. When the beep alerting me to the message sounds I force myself to breathe before keeping it as simple as I can: “Gil, I made a mistake. Please don’t hate me.” 

I end the call and decide it best to call it a day, retreating to the warm spray of the shower until my skin is puckered and my make-up is rinsed from my face. My bed is comfortable enough but I can’t help but wish I was somewhere else, a chest used for a pillow instead.

I’m woken up later by my phone buzzing, the screen bright in the darkness of my room as I roll over to look at it. Gilbert’s face looks back at me and I grapple for the device, knocking it to the floor in my haste to pick it up. 

“Gil?” I croak, breathless as I lean over the side of my bed. The line is silent for a minute and then there’s a rustling, a grating sound and voices in the distance. I can’t quite make it out and so I pull the phone from my ear, checking to make sure it was actually him. Had he pocket dialled me? “Hello? Gilbert?” I ask a bit louder and then there’s a woman’s voice from the other end of the line, the words indiscernible. 

My body goes cold and my mouth dries, my thumb quickly coming to press the end button on the device as I shut it down and let it drop to the floor. Hot tears come to my eyes at the thoughts that fill my mind then. 

Gilbert was with someone else tonight. 

He’d called to talk to me for the first time after our agreement ended and Roy had picked up. I hadn’t realized how that would have felt until now, not really, not even in the bar, and now all I could feel was the hurt and ache of knowing that he’d moved on without me like I seemed to be moving on without him too. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter you've all not been waiting for! Alas, here it is.


	11. Fight or Flight

I’d struggled to sleep after Gilbert’s call last night, shutting off my phone as my dreams were plagued with all of the things that he could be doing to another girl as I slept. All of the myriad of things he'd done to me just last week. I hated feeling like this, the jealousy and the misplaced wants. Gilbert wasn’t mine. He was my friend - one of the very best I had - but he was still his own person and he owed me nothing, especially not now after my stupid agreement idea had wedged a divide between us. 

_ Anne, where are you? Why aren't you answering your phone???? _

Phil's text is the first notification to come through as I power on my device the next morning. Opening the app to reply, my phone starts a cacophony of alerts and buzzes as message after message comes rolling in. 

Pris, Stella, Diana, Charlie, Moody, Phil five more times. An unknown number a half-dozen times. Missed calls, texts, emails and messages from every app I was connected to, each one more urgent than the last. 

_ Where are you?  _

_ R u ok? _

_ Anne, you need to call me back ASAP! _

I swallow thickly and try to figure out who to respond to first. It’s Charlie’s messages though that make me lurch up from where I lay in bed, a bolt of panic shooting through me. 

_ Blythe was in an accident. Call me most urgently.  _

I don’t even hesitate to dial Charlie’s number, my heart in my throat as it rings repeatedly. I try three more times before hanging up and dialing Phil instead, tears burning the backs of my eyes as I twist my fingers in my lap. There must be a mistake. I just saw him last night and he was  _ fine _ . 

“Anne! Jesus Christ where have you been?” She screeches, her pitch making the speaker on the phone crackle as I pull it away from my ear. 

“It doesn’t matter about me - I can’t reach Charlie - do you know what happened? Is Gilbert okay?” I attempt and fail, my words collapsing as the tears start to slip down my cheeks. This couldn’t be happening.  _ This couldn’t be happening _ . Not Gilbert. Please not Gilbert. 

“He’s at Memorial Hospital. Charlie says he was on his way home from the bar and he got clipped by a car - but Anne - “ 

“No no no no,” I moan, getting to my feet abruptly and grabbing at my throat. It feels like I’m choking, the lack of oxygen getting to my brain making me fuzzy. I couldn’t live without him. I needed him. I’d only just -  _ no _ \- he couldn’t leave me now. We still had so much to do together. Didn’t we? 

“He’s alive Anne - he’s okay,” Phil repeats until the words start to stick in my mind. “He has a concussion so they’re keeping him for a few days since he’s on his own in his apartment - “ 

“I have to go,” I interrupt and end the call, turning towards my dresser and pulling out whatever clothes are on top. Behind me my phone rings again and again as I pull my jeans on, hopping across the room in my rush. “What?” I bark into the speaker as Phil’s call connects. 

“I needed to tell you not to freak out when you get there. Try to find Moody to take you,” Phil shouts over the line, her words making me pull up short. 

“Why?” I counter, my hands stilling as I pull my red mess of hair back from my face. 

“Just - Charlie said he was pretty confused when he got there last night. I’m calling Moody. I’ll text you when he’s on his way to get you - “ 

“Phil, tell me what’s - “ 

“Stay there until Moody gets you, okay?” She interjects, my worries skyrocketing at her insistence. I didn’t want - couldn’t - think about why she was sure I shouldn’t go alone. That only made it worse. 

“Phil,” I moan, hiccuping a breath as she sighs. 

“You’re gonna be okay Anne. I’ll talk to you soon,” she adds and then the line goes dead, heavy tears starting to spill from my eyes as I try to pull myself together. 

By the time Moody arrives I’m half beyond myself, my cheeks dry but my chest hurting with the anxiousness that seems to grow more intense with every passing minute. 

“Hey Anne,” Moody greets as he stands on my porch, his gaze searching my face for something. I don’t know what it is he’s looking for but he offers me a soft smile before pointing towards his beater car and turning on his heel. 

The drive to the hospital is the longest fifteen minutes of my life, the silence between us deafening. Moody was never much for talking on the best of days - not at least compared to me - and so I tried to convince myself that it was normal for it to be this quiet. It wasn’t a bad omen. It wasn’t because something was worse than I was imagining. Right? 

“Is he really bad, Moody?” I question lowly as we pull into a parking spot. Moody is slow to put the car in park as he turns towards me. The worry had plagued me since Phil’s insistance that someone escort me, my mind running the worst possibilities as I waited. 

“I promise he’s okay,” he replies, pausing to look me dead on. “He was having a rough night last night, Charlie says. They were all out for drinks with Christine and her fiance who came down for the week and apparently he just left without saying goodbye to anyone. They didn’t know where he went until the hospital called the house looking for you. Apparently the nursing staff went through all of his contacts and you were the most recent one but they couldn’t reach you. When we got here early this morning he wasn’t doing so well so don’t be surprised if they don’t let us in for long, okay?” 

I nod and let him lead me through the emergency room doors and down hallway after hallway, my unfocused mind unable to keep up with the twists and turns. Up two elevator stops, right and then left. The nurses station in the middle of the floor is empty as we come upon it, Moody leaning against the desk as he motions for me to head towards room 305. 

The sight that greets me pulls me up short in the doorway, the empty bed making my heart squeeze and my breath still. He wasn’t here. He wasn’t in his bed. If he wasn’t - if he didn’t - 

“Can I help you, Miss?” A woman asks over my shoulder, my words frozen in my throat. I try to stop the spiraling thoughts but then the tears come back, burning my eyes as I turn to face her. “Are you looking for - “ 

“Blythe, Gilbert Blythe,” Moody calls as he jogs over to us. He hands me a tissue from his pocket and rests his hand calmly on my shoulder, a steadying force for my inner turmoil.

“I’m sorry - he went down for a few more tests about ten minutes ago. You’ll need to wait until visiting hours this afternoon before - “ 

“Oh - no, ma’am, this is Gilbert’s fiancé. There should be notes on his file,” Moody lies smoothly, squeezing my shoulder as I try to stay upright. What  _ exactly _ had gone on in the few hours I’d kept my phone off? What had happened to the world being rightside up? 

“I see. Well, he should be back up in about an hour. You’re welcome to wait Miss - ?” 

“Shirley,” I answer lowly, my hands shaking as I wrap my arms around myself. 

“Yes - okay. Feel free to wait in here.” She motions to the empty room and Moody steers me inside and to a chair before he leans heavily against the window. 

“His fiancé?” I ask breathlessly, pausing to glance up at my friend. Did he know? About our agreement? About the way I felt, even if I couldn't admit it myself? He'd always been so perceptive, no wonder he’d chosen the ministry as his vocation. 

“Family gets priority. They think Charlie is his brother,” he answers with a shrug of his shoulders, turning his attention out the window. We sit in silence again, the sounds and smells of the place making me feel on edge. The last time I’d been in a place like this Matthew had died. Old hurt riddled through me as I remembered the way Marilla had steeled herself against the news, her hands clenched tight in her lap as the doctor informed us. 

_ “Ms Cuthbert,” the doctor greets us in the pink waiting room, his white coat bright under the fluorescent lights. We get to our feet, Marilla’s hand wrapped tightly around mine. “I’m sorry but there was nothing we could do. Matthew appears to have suffered a massive heart attack and though we tried our best we could not resuscitate him. He’s died. I’m very sorry for your loss.”  _

_ I feel Marilla shift on her feet, her free hand coming up to her lips in surprise as the doctor starts to go over the details for what’s next. I try to listen - I know I should pay attention to help her - but all I can hear is the roar of blood in my ears, the words the man speaks sounding like the adults in a Charlie Brown cartoon.  _

_ When I start to cry, silent at first, I feel a hand on the back of my neck and I try to shake it off, desperate to be alone in my pain. I couldn’t handle this. I refused. Matthew had been the first home I’d ever known - his quiet love for me had affirmed my self-worth when I was at my lowest. He was the one who taught me that gentleness was an expectation, not an abnormality. He’d been the one man to never let me down, not once. He couldn’t be gone. He couldn’t.  _

_ Before I realize what I’m doing I’m halfway down the hallway, running for my life and the past where Matthew was still alive.  _

_ “Anne,” a voice calls from behind me, coming up quickly as I reach the curtain where Matthew had been taken by the paramedics. I hesitate before pulling it open, my sobs starting to rattle my bones. “He’s not there,” Gilbert says from behind me, his arms turning me from the curtain and into the safety of his chest. “He’s not in that body anymore, Anne. But he’s still with you, okay? Just like my Dad is still with me, remember? You told me that.”  _

Gilbert had been there with us. He’d always been there for me and now I needed to be there for him, even if it meant going against the request for space he'd wanted.

“Do you know what happened? Phil said it was a concussion.” 

“I don’t know much, really. He was pretty banged up last night but that seemed to be the worst of it. That, and I guess the arm - “ 

“What happened to his arm?” I moan, my thoughts turning caustic.

“A solid break, I think. They were debating on putting pins in it when we left - “ 

“He had  _ surgery _ ? Moody! How could you not have - “ I start and then freeze as Gilbert is steered into the room in a wheelchair, his arm in a sling and a dark bruise marring his cheekbone. The sight of him has me bolting to my feet, my arms wrapped around my chest as I fight the desire to run to him, to pull him into my arms and hold him like I’ll never let him go. Maybe I wouldn’t let him go. Maybe I would curl into him until we were fused together by time and space, only then I would know he was safe. 

“No pins then, eh?” Moody greets, stepping around me and reaching out to take Gilbert’s good hand in his own. 

“Not the plan anymore, just an air cast for now. Can you, uh, give us a minute?” He asks, looking between the two of us until his eyes catch mine. His lips form a straight line as Moody agrees, heading out into the hall as the nurse turns Gilbert’s wheelchair towards the bed. 

I watch with my nails digging into my palms as the man helps Gilbert up onto the mattress, settling him into the sheets and re-attaching his monitors to various wires that escape through the edges of his hospital gown. The room is silent as the man leaves, my feet stuck in place as I look across the room at my best friend. At the man I couldn’t live without, I’d realized. 

“You’re alive,” I whisper as the nurse leaves, closing the door behind him. 

“Somehow, yeah, it seems that way,” he answers and I don’t miss the gravel in his voice, the way it sounds rough like it did on Sunday. “What are you doing - no, I mean… “ He rubs fitfully at his face, his hand covering his eyes as I hear him sigh a rattling breath. The sound makes me step towards him, desperate to ease the tension I recognize pouring out of him. “I don’t know what I mean. I don’t - I can’t - the concussion has my thoughts all over the place.” 

I don’t know if I was expecting a grand gesture or a quiet denial or even a brief word for the missed calls last night after the way he’d walked away from seeing me with Roy. All I do know is that the end of his sentence feels like it steals my words, my brain unsure of where we stood and hesitant to lean too far into any of the possibilities that lay before us. Did he want to talk about us? Was there anything really to talk about? 

“What happened? Last night,” I ask softly, forcing myself to finally step closer and start to bridge the gap between us. If nothing else, Gilbert was still my best friend and I owed him my friendship. I could do this for him.

“It’s all a bit unclear. Thankfully I don’t remember the impact,” he chuckles darkly. 

“Are you in pain? Can I - do you need anything?” My feet have carried me to the edge of his bed, the sight of his bruised skin this close making my throat tight. I longed to reach for him, to crawl in beside him and hold him. But I couldn’t do that. The agreement was over and I had no excuse to want him like I did. 

“Anne, I don’t remember why I was in such a rush to make me run out into the street last night. The paramedics said I was trying to call you. Or at least that's what it seemed like based on what the witnesses said and my call history…"

"Do you, um, remember before? Seeing me earlier?" He shakes his head, his brow furrowing as he looks at his hand. I try to stop my instinct to reach for him but I fail, my fingers grazing his knuckles and causing him to look up at me. "I was getting dinner with Roy. You saw me out with him and then when we were back at my house you apparently called - "

"Anne, please," he whispers, withdrawing his hand and looking away. His eyes close tightly, his breathing growing more forced with every second. "Please don't."

"If you - if he said something. If he… Gil, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. For the agreement, for Roy. I didn't - "

"I have a headache," he interrupts, reaching his fingers up to press against his eyes. 

"I'll go get the nurse," I murmur and step away quickly, retreating towards the hallway.

“Anne, wait,” he breathes. I'm halfway to the door when the heavy metal swings open, the woman from the bar bursting into the space with a whirlwind of exclamations and wild dark hair.

"You're alive! Goddamn you Gil!" She shouts, hurrying to his bedside. I watch from the doorway as she perches on the edge of his mattress, leaning towards him and running her fingers over his bruise. Rejected hurt riddles through me as she does what I'd longed to do since seeing him enter the room.

He hadn't been trying to call me after all. He couldn't have been - not when he had  _ her _ instead. I'd been wrong to come here. So very, very wrong.

"Miss Shirley, I was just about to come find you. Another fiancé has magically appeared - could you - "

"I'm sorry, he's just a really close friend. I didn't mean to lie. But he was complaining of a headache, could you go - ?"

"Yes, of course. Hopefully we'll see you at proper visiting hours another time?" She asks distractedly and I shift, turning to find Moody walking towards us. 

"Ready to go?" He asks and I nod, looking back quickly to the closed door. I hated to leave but my place wasn't here. There were miles between Gilbert and I now, the agreement had ruined everything.  _ I’d  _ ruined everything.

Back in the car, I can’t stop the tears that want to fall, curling myself against the window as Moody pulls away from the towering building. 

“I’m surprised you’re leaving so soon,” he mumbles as we pull up to a stoplight a block away. 

“Why?” I counter, my forehead pressed against the glass. 

“‘Cause he was asking for you most of the night, apparently. And Phil said you’d probably stay for the day and asked if I could go get your stuff for you if you did. Look, it’s not my place to get in the middle of this and I know he’s been kind of absent these last two weeks but he’s still your friend. He’s just had commitments for his scholarship, some tutoring thing or something. I don’t know exactly what but just because you haven’t seen him - “ 

“Moody, what are you trying to say?” I press, trying to sift through his meaning. He had never been one to dance around the subject so there was no reason for him to start now. What did he know? What had Gilbert said last night in his confused state?

“That whatever has you crying in my car probably has Gilbert in rough shape too, he just doesn’t show it,” he pauses, looking towards me with a gentle smile. 

“Who… Who was the girl? I know I shouldn’t care but… “ I keep my eyes trained out the front window as I ask, my hands twisting anxiously in my lap. 

“You mean Christine? You’ve never met her before? She’s Ronald’s sister - Gilbert’s friend? Nothing? No bells ringing?” I shake my head and bite my tongue, trying to keep my tears inside. I knew Ronald, vaguely, but Christine was new to me. “Well, she’s just a friend. Ronald asked Gilbert to look after her while she was at school. There’s nothing there, if you’re asking.” 

“You’re sure?” I ask so softly you can barely hear it over the rumble of the engine. 

“Dead sure. She’s engaged, Anne, to this Andrew Dawson guy. And besides that, it’s not her Gil’s been after all these years,” he adds thoughtfully. I feel my heart clench, my breathing tight as I look towards Moody. “Want me to turn around?” 

“Please.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Damn guys, you're killing me with your feedback. Like, I read the comments and I'm dead. Dead inspired! We're now at 38k words... Far above the original outline for this gem. Thank you for all your love and feedback - it truly is a joy hearing from every one of you!


	12. No Mistakes

By the time we arrive back to the hospital Christine is already gone and Gilbert is asleep in his room, his long frame curled up to face the window as I slowly open the door to look inside. 

“I’ll keep Nurse Ratchet busy. You go on in,” Moody instructs, leaving me to step into the enclosed pastel space. I only hesitate a moment before fortifying myself and walking quickly towards the bedside. 

Pulling up the chair as quietly as I can, I rest my arms on the mattress and turn my head to look at him, watching as he sleeps. My thoughts turn rampant as I think through everything that’s happened in the past two weeks - how much I’d asked of him and how much of himself he’d given me freely without question. This foolish, selfless man, had tried to tell me in his own way. 

_ “I don’t want the rules anymore. I just want you.” _

He’d said it as plainly as he could but I’d refused to hear it. Or at least that’s how it seemed. I still needed to hear the actual words from him to be sure, to satisfy this rumbling doubt and to know I wasn’t just making assumptions. But I couldn’t press him now - not after everything he’d been through in the last 24 hours. And so I was determined to be here for him, to do whatever he asked of me, to give myself to him like he’d done for me. 

“Did I die?” He mutters later, rousing dreamily from his nap as his eyes flicker open to catch me at his bedside. My hand drifts up to brush against the bruise on his cheek, my fingers easing the curls from his brow as I defeat the nerves and follow my instinct. He moans under my touch, his breath faltering as he reaches his hand up to mine. I expect him to push me away - I steel myself for it - but all he does is wrap my fingers in his own, bringing my knuckles to his lips. 

“If you did, I must have too,” I answer softly, smiling up at him as he sighs and opens his eyes a bit further. 

“You came back?” I nod in reply, shifting closer to hear his low whispers better. “I didn’t mean I wanted you to go. Earlier. When I said - “ 

“Shh, it’s okay. We can talk about it when your brain is better. I’ll still be here. Promise.” 

“You don’t have to stay.“ 

“I know. I’m here because I want to be. I want to be with you, okay? Try to get some rest,” I instruct and force myself to push through the memory of this similar conversation only a few days ago. They had been such different circumstances but I was learning that maybe they weren’t as different as I’d thought. 

“I want you to stay. Please stay,” he urges though his eyes are closed, his hand tightening its hold around mine. 

“I will. I’ll be here when you wake up.” 

And I am. Moody does end up going and getting a few things from Patty’s Place for me, returning with a set of pyjamas and a change of clothes for the next day. The nurse from earlier agrees to let me stay outside of visiting hours when Gilbert asks if his real fiancé can stay with him. I know she doesn’t believe him but his powers of persuasion seem to be returning to normal when she eventually gives in. 

Gilbert spends most of the afternoon napping and I manage to stay by his side with a trashy novel from the gift shop, the story eerily familiar as I read more with every page. 

“Anything interesting?” He grumbles, turning on his side to face me as he slowly comes back to the world of the living. 

“Just a story about two idiots falling in love but being particularly oblivious to it,” I answer, closing the book and setting it down on the bedside table. “Hi,” I whisper, leaning my arms against the railing and looking down at him. 

“Hi,” he responds softly, a small smile at the edges of his lips. 

“How are you feeling? The nurse was saying maybe you could go home before dinner if you had someone to look after you…” I let the sentence trail off, my eyes focused on him as he stills. 

“As in you?” He questions and the hesitancy in his words breaks my heart. Had I truly broken everything with this agreement?

“If that was okay with you, of course. I don’t mind staying on your couch for a day or two and work doesn’t start until next week so - “ 

“You don’t have to do that. They’ll let me out tomorrow, they’re just being safe with the protocol and everything,” he interjects. I can’t help but sit back as he speaks, rejection starting to spike. 

“Okay, I don’t need to stay over if you would rather I don’t. I just thought - “ 

“I do. I do want you to stay with me. But is that really the best idea for us right now?” My mouth dries and it hurts to swallow, my throat tight with his question. If he wasn’t laid up in a hospital bed right now I’d probably already be out the door, avoiding this conversation as much as I could and he’d be right, wouldn’t he? 

“I don’t really care if it’s what’s best for us. I want what’s best for  _ you _ and if that means you get to sleep in your own bed rather than on this - this - micro mattress, then I’ll sleep in the hallway and call you when it’s time to wake up.” 

“I’m not trying to be difficult,” he murmurs, watching me with a measured gaze as I cross my arms over my chest. 

“Then let’s get you discharged. We can figure out the rest when you’re better.” He doesn’t argue, choosing instead to reach his hand out towards me. It hangs over the edge of the bed for a moment, his lips turning up in a tentative smile as he wiggles his fingers. I can’t deny him and so I take his offered hand in mine and pull it closer to my chest. 

Gilbert is discharged an hour later with strict instructions and a bottle of pills for the pain, his body slow to lift itself out of the wheelchair as Charlie pulls his car up to the hospital’s curb. I try to support him, pulling his good arm around my shoulders, but it does nothing to help him with our height difference. 

“I got it,” he laughs, leaning against the top of the car as I pull open the door. He slips into the backseat and I run around the back to crawl in beside him as Charlie puts the car in drive and heads towards Gilbert’s apartment. 

“What’s the plan, Blythe? Need me to drop Anne off on our way?” Charlie asks from the front seat, his eyes flickering between myself and Gilbert. I squeeze his hand in mine, the same hand that had been tied up with mine since deciding to come home. 

“Not tonight. Anne has offered to cook me dinner because she feels sorry for me,” Gilbert quips in reply and Charlie scoffs, looking back towards us. 

“Whatever. My girlfriend never offers to cook for me. Maybe I should get hit by a car,” he laments, Gilbert’s gaze turning to mine, tension in his brow. I realize then what Charlie has implied - that I'm Gilbert's  _ girlfriend  _ \- and I shift under Gilbert's gaze. Where I would have once withdrawn from Gilbert’s touch in response, now I can only lean in and rest my head against his shoulder, certain that my actions and acceptance would speak louder than my words. Thankfully, I'm not wrong and it's Gilbert who releases a shaking breath as I tuck myself closer.

Back at his building, I don’t even bother to try to help Charlie get Gilbert up the stairs, instead running ahead to get each of the doors until we’re safely inside the apartment. 

“Just put him right in bed,” I call as I drop the keys on the table and start turning on the lights as I go. The place looks exactly as it had when I’d left with the noted difference that there were beer bottles strewn across the space, remnants of a bender throughout every corner of the apartment. 

Ignoring the feelings the realization stirs within me, I set about cleaning up the bottles and righting the kitchen for cooking as Charlie settles Gilbert safely in his room. When Charlie eventually returns to the space I’m already head-deep in Gilbert’s fridge, looking for any semblance of food I can prepare. 

“How was your date with Roy?” Charlie asks over my shoulder, his tone unassuming but his words sending a chill down my spine.

“Why does it matter?” I counter, setting some eggs on the counter as I turn to look at him. 

“Because we all saw you out with him and my friend is laid up in bed there and all he could talk about before he ran out of the bar was how he needed to talk to you. Something about a voicemail. And then you don’t pick up your phone all night but you’re magically here, playing house and pretending you aren’t dating another guy at the same - “ 

“Roy and I aren’t together, Charlie. Never have been and never will.  _ He _ was the mistake,” I insist to Charlie’s rolling eyes. 

“I’ve watched this back and forth go on for years between you two. I don’t get it. Just come out and admit - “ 

“I’m  _ trying _ !” I hiss, my eyes widening as I look towards him. I needed everyone to back off and give me a minute, give  _ us _ a minute to figure this out. It was complicated enough already, I didn’t need everyone else pressing in on us like a vise. 

“Good. That’s what I needed to hear. He’s in there napping again so he should be good for a while. If you need anything, let me know, okay?” I nod and Charlie turns on his heel, heading for the door and slipping out of the apartment. 

I busy myself with making eggs and toast for dinner, the simple meal hard to mess up as I plate the scrambled mess and two pieces of buttered bread. Inside Gilbert’s room I’m surprised to find him already sitting up, the bedside lamp casting a dim light throughout as the sun sets outside. 

“I made dinner,” I greet, walking around the bed to set the plate down. Gilbert watches as I move through the space, his eyes never leaving me as I feel my skin prickle with recognition. With everything we’d done in this room hanging over us. 

“Did you not make any for yourself?” 

“I did - I just thought you might still be sleeping,” I answer as he chuckles and shakes his head. 

“I wasn’t actually sleeping, I was just trying to get Charlie to leave. He was quite insistent to find out why we’re being so weird around each other, if you can believe it.” 

“And did you tell him?” He shakes his head and twists his hands in his lap, looking up at me with a curious gaze.

“Will you keep me company while I eat?” Nodding, I head to the kitchen and grab my own plate, returning to the room and settling on the edge of his bed, my heart hammering in my chest. It felt weird to be here again, this close after everything. Weird maybe, but also somehow just right. “You can stay there or you’re welcome to come sit beside me. I promise to keep my hands to myself.” 

I want to groan at his offer, my brain going fuzzy with memories. I didn’t  _ want _ him to keep his hands to himself. I didn’t want either of us to keep anything to ourselves and that made it worse. 

“Will it hurt your ego if I say no?” I joke, giving him my plate so that I can crawl up beside him. I settle down with my back against his headboard as he hands me back my food. 

“No, I’m pretty sure we both know I’m practically perfect in every way.” I snort and roll my eyes, stuffing a fork-full of food in my mouth before I can say anything more damning. 

We eat in relative silence then, Gilbert’s attention turned towards his precariously balanced plate as he tries to navigate lifting the food from his lap to his mouth with only one hand. When the third attempt fails I try to hold in my laughter as he gives up, setting aside his plate and looking at me with a forlorn expression.

"I'm going to take these into the kitchen. Want me to grab your pyjamas for you?" I offer, getting to my feet and handing him back the toast that I knew he could manage as he nods and waves me off. 

“I remember a bit more of what happened yesterday,” he admits when I return from putting the dishes in the kitchen, my body pausing as I turn back from where I stand in front of his dresser. 

“You called yesterday while I had Roy over,” I start, my brows furrowed. Talk about diving in. I had to steady myself for this conversation else I was bound to chicken out. 

“Yeah. I did. He was - I mean, I'd rather not repeat what he said but - ” I twist under his look, my hands coming to cover my face in embarrassment as I drop his pyjamas at his feet and slowly crawl up onto the bed to settle at his knees. 

"He shouldn't have answered my phone," I sigh, recoiling inwardly at the memory of the way it had felt to realize Roy was talking to Gilbert. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I’m sorry you had to talk to him.“ 

“It’s okay. I mean, I was already a bit drunk by that point so I should have known better than to call. I was just surprised, I guess."

"By what?"

"It sounds terrible when I think it through - "

"Gil," I press, squeezing his knee and trying to tell him without words that it was okay, that everything was out on the table now. 

"I was surprised you brought him home so soon. I don't mean that in a judgemental way or anything - you can do what you want - just… " He pauses, his hand snaking up and through his hair. "It was a pretty bitter pill to swallow and I was a big mess after I hung up. I know you tried to call - I remember sending it to voicemail - but then Charlie took my phone from me."

"So you were avoiding me?" I ask quietly, forcing my hand to steady on his knee. I couldn't withdraw now. I needed - we needed - to finish this.

"Yes. I was angry - or, I was probably jealous," he answers. The truth of it feels like a bucket of cold water dumped on me, his words spoiling at the bottom of my gut.

"You're angry at me?" I breathe, pulling my hand back into my lap as he looks up at me, stricken. Maybe that's why he'd pushed back on me staying over - he was still mad. Should I leave now before he could kick me out? Of his apartment? His life?

"No - I mean, maybe I was then but I was drunk and hurt and not in the right mindset when I got your voicemail. I’m not now though, definitely not now."

"Do you hate me then? For the agreement? I would understand if you did - I would too if I made you do all of this just to make a mistake - "

“What kind of mistake, if you don't mind me asking? What happened last night? I mean, you don’t have to tell me the details of course but, Anne, did he do something? Did Roy hurt you? Is that why you sounded so upset in the message?” Gilbert worries aloud, interrupting me as he leans forward. His eyes flash as I mention the mistake, almost as if his imagination was already drifting to the worst possible scenarios like it must have the night before.  _ Gods, why had I done this to him? _ “I swear to God, Anne - if he did - “ 

“He didn’t. He tried but I kicked him out after he talked to you. I couldn’t go through with it - it wasn’t the same as with you and I just couldn’t trust him the way - how I know I need to trust someone. Do you hate me, Gil? For it?"

"I could never hate you, haven't I proven that to you yet?" I look away, trying to fight off the nerves that his honesty caused. "I got your message right before the accident. I remember hearing how upset you were which is why I’m pretty sure I was coming to find you when I stepped out into the street."

"Why?" The word is the only thing I can manage, the question of it making my heart race. 

"Anne, maybe it’s going to sound crazy but I obviously care about you. A lot. I have since before the agreement. Before any of this started to get in the way. I think I was trying to come find you and tell you how I felt because if I didn’t at least try then it would be on me. All this time I was trying to keep us at arms length but I was so stupid to try,” he admits lowly. 

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” I whisper, throat raw. "Why didn't you say something?" I couldn’t understand his words, not with my heart beating erratically and my breaths tight in my chest.

“I didn’t know if you felt it too - if maybe it was just one sided. I thought maybe I was just imagining it or projecting my thoughts onto you or something - ” 

“Why would you go along with our agreement if this was how you felt?” I interrupt sharply. No one would agree to something so… So crazy and reckless when they cared about someone, would they? 

Except I did, didn’t I?

I realize then that I’m not thinking clearly as he brushes his hand over his face, looking away and then back towards me with a steady gaze. 

“I agreed because I selfishly wanted your firsts to be with me," he pauses, slowing his breath. "I know it was stupid of me to want but a foolish part of me thought that if I showed you what it could be like you might finally realize you felt the same and then I could be your first and your last and your everything in between. I don’t want anyone else - I haven’t for years - and so when I think about my future it’s only you I see in it and I thought maybe there was a chance you felt the same. At least on Sunday I was pretty sure you did until we ended it and you left.” 

"I left because I thought that was what was best for us both - a clean break!"

"I know - I  _ know _ \- and I'm not upset about it because I fucked up too. I should have talked to you, called you earlier, something instead of just drinking and pretending like things could go back to normal! I should have just told you how I was feeling instead of waiting to let you figure it out.” 

“If this was how you felt, why did you want the rules?” I counter. I needed a minute to figure this out. I needed a week. A year. I’d thought I understood but this was so much heavier than I’d considered, our truths bleeding out of us like a dam had broken.

_ Why didn't he just tell me? Why didn’t I just admit it myself? _

“I didn’t want the rules - I  _ needed _ them. I figured that if it got to the end and you still weren’t on the same page as me then it would be easier to move on if I didn’t have those little pieces of you. I agreed to them to try to protect myself - to protect what we had as friends in case it all went sideways. But I should have known better - it was never going to be enough.” 

"What wasn't going to be enough?"

"The memory of having only parts of you, Anne. Of only giving parts of myself to you. I realized pretty quickly that it would never be enough to only have this agreement and I actually started to think you felt the same. Tell me I was wrong."

“I can't - No, I mean - I don’t know what to say right now.” I chew my lip and look away, to his cast and the bruise on his cheek. He was hurt - could I trust that this wasn’t just the concussion speaking? How could I be sure? Why was I doubting him?

“What would you say if all I needed from you was a chance?” He asks, reading my mind. “A chance to try this - to try  _ us _ \- and see if it goes anywhere?” He finishes lowly and I catch his gaze with mine, my heart in my throat. 

“Are you asking for a longer agreement?” I start with surprise. I couldn't do another agreement, not after we’d barely survived this one.

“No. Not an agreement. I don’t want the rules and restrictions. I want all of you and I want to give all of myself to you. I just want  _ you _ , Anne. That’s all I’ve ever wanted,” he breathes finally, his words quieting as he looks at me across the space. 

“What if you don’t like all of me?” I ask with nerves in my voice and doubt in my expression. A spark of hope threatens to alight within me and I would do anything not to douse it. Was I doing this? Was I really going to admit that there was something inside of me jumping for joy at Gilbert’s suggestion? Was I ready to let him in? 

“That’s not possible,” he counters softly. 

“What if we discover we’re not right for each other? What if you end up hating me for roping you into this mess and - “ 

“It’s worth the risk.  _ You’re _ worth the risk, okay?” 

I look over at him with all of my anxieties and worries plain on my face, my lip between my teeth as I internally debate his proposition. With racing thoughts and an ache in my chest I meet his gaze and it’s like a warm hug has come to block the chill of worry building within me. Gilbert’s expression is  _ loving _ , I realize. All this time it wasn’t lust or want or any of the myriad of things that I’d imagined it to be - it was love. Pure and simple, unrepentant love that he’d been trying to convey. I’d just missed it. 

“Are you sure this isn’t all because you hit your head?” I urge, watching his reaction for any hint of rejection. 

“If it is then I wish I’d only done it sooner,” he replies easily. I can’t fight the need to go to him any longer, my body quick to roll up on my knees and crawl until I’m kneeling at his side. When I’m finally within reach he lifts his thumb to my chin in a touch that spreads an unexpected comfort through me. I could do this. I could do it because Gilbert would be with me every step of the way and wasn't that how it's always been? How it always would be?

“If I’m going to agree to this I need you to promise me to always look both ways from now on. I can’t go falling in love with you if you’re going to keep jumping out into traffic,” I whisper, resting my forehead against his. 

“I think I can manage that,” he chuckles before tipping my head slightly to lean in. His nose brushes gently against my own before he grazes his lips across mine, sweet and tentative. I inhale a sharp breath and he pulls back slightly, his eyes searching mine until I let go of the fear in my heart and silently scream my response - yes,  _ yes _ . 

The kiss isn't like any of the others we've shared - the heaviness of the agreement no longer hanging over us as I lean in closer and explore his mouth with mine. It doesn't take long to feel myself falling, drifting forward on my knees until my hands drop to his chest, a hiss escaping from him at the contact. 

"Fuck, sorry," he hisses, pulling back as I withdraw sharply, afraid I've hurt him. 

"Are you - did I hurt you?" I worry aloud, twisting my hands anxiously together. 

"Yes - no," he sighs, shaking his head slightly. "I've got some bruises other than my face, apparently."

"Jesus, Gil," I moan as he lifts the edges of his shirt to reveal the purple marks spattered across his side. I let my hand reach out and graze the bruises, drifting up his side until he lets a sigh escape, my arm quick to withdraw as though being burned. 

"It's nothing worse than a rough hit during football," he replies and drops the edge of his shirt, looking sheepishly up at me.

"Except now you've got me making it worse," I grumble. Gilbert shakes his head and reaches for my hand, pulling it towards him.

"You could never. It's okay," he urges and settles my hand on his chest so I can feel the beat of his heart. “See? I’m still alive.” 

“If this is a ploy to get me to have sex with you while you’re broken you have an unfortunate discovery to make,” I respond with a laugh, crawling over his legs until I’m standing at the edge of the mattress. “I  _ will  _ help you get dressed for bed though. I think that’s a safe enough activity.” 

“Anne-girl, you’ve got to stop playing with my heart like this,” he groans and eases his legs off the mattress until his feet hit the floor. His hand pulls at the edge of my shirt to drag me closer, a sly smile on his lips. “What about your pyjamas? I can help with that, can’t I?” 

“Not if you can barely stand. But I won’t say no to you watching, if it’ll make you feel better,” I pause as he sits up straighter, his expression flickering with excitement. I was rarely this bold and it had to be catching him unaware, the offer making him swallow noticeably. “You have to behave though or else I’m taking my things into the bathroom without you.” 

“Hand to the Gods, I’ll behave,” he promises and works with me as I start to work his shirt up and over his head. His braced arm is next and though we struggle to get through it I wouldn’t trade the moment for anything as I enjoy his free hand sliding up my side, his lips finding a spot of bare skin along my collar as I lean over him. 

“You’re distracting me,” I moan as I discard his shirt and pull back to cross my arms over my chest. “Lay back so I can deal with your pants.” 

“Why Miss Shirley!” He responds in a pitched Southern accent as he flops onto his back. He continues his charade as I pull the sweatpants over his hips and off his legs, throwing the clothing to the side as I finally take in the sight of him. 

I still as I look over the bruises that snake up his leg and around his side, the tinge of purple chasing up to his chest to the sling that hangs around his neck. The shock of the sight makes my chest hurt, the tears from earlier reappearing as he shifts to look up at me. 

“Anne,” he whispers, attempting to sit up but faltering. I force myself to come back to the task at hand and I grab his pyjama pants from the bed and kneel to pull them up his legs. When I reach his hips he reaches for my arm and grabs my wrist, pulling himself up until his forehead is resting against mine and his arm is wrapped tightly around my shoulders. “I’m okay, Anne. I’m right here.” 

“You could have died. You could have died and you’d never have known,” I whimper, trying to stay strong but crumbling under the weight of it. If he hadn't made it it would have been my fault. All of it.

“But I didn’t die and you’re here and I’m here and we’re okay.” His hand splays across my back and I finally release my grip on the waist of his pants, my fingers coming to graze his cheekbones so that I can see his eyes and the truth that hides in them. 

“I’m sorry it took me so long to get here,” I murmur through my tears. He shakes his head at that, capturing my lips with his in a kiss I feel in my toes. 

“Time doesn’t matter for kindred spirits, wouldn’t you agree?” He adds when he breaks away. I wobble as I try to catch my breath, his words and his touch making me dizzy in the way that only he seemed to be able to. “Now - I was promised a striptease and I expect to receive one. I am the injured one here, or have you forgotten?” 

“You’re certainly bossy enough,” I grumble and jump as he playfully smacks his palm against my ass. The action makes my skin heat and I scoot back, running into the hallway as he calls after me. I don’t take long to grab my bag from the front hall, returning to the room with a hesitant smile on my lips. 

I could do this. It was Gilbert. It was the same game we’d been playing but only this time it was real. Blissfully, truthfully, real. So I drop my things on the edge of the bed and stand just out of reach, my hands on my hips as he looks up at me with a daring grin. 

“Don’t chicken out now,” he chides, his gaze trailing over my frame and leaving a flush burning through me. 

My shirt is the first thing to go, my arms crossing over my chest as I pull the hem slowly up my frame to reveal my bellybutton and the bottom of my bra. Gilbert watches with rapt attention as I pull the fabric over my head, my bun falling loose as I discard the cotton to the side and he moans under his breath. 

Next I work on my jeans, shimmying out of them quickly and letting them fall to the floor, my feet quickly stepping out of them as I force myself not to use my arms as cover. I can practically feel his gaze raking over me as I step closer, his fingers sliding against my hip and hooking in the front of my underwear until he's pulling me closer, his knees bumping into my legs. 

“I don’t think you understand how much I want you right now, Carrots,” he whispers as he lets the elastic snap back against me. I bite my lip in response and reach behind my back, releasing the clasp on my bra and letting it drop to the floor in front of him. 

His lips manage to find purchase on my chest, a kiss placed over my heart before his mouth finds my nipple and teases it, his teeth pulling softly at my flesh until my insides nearly melt with need.

Never have I ever wanted someone as badly as I want Gilbert right now but I know I have to fight it with everything I have. We couldn’t do this tonight - not when he was still recovering - and so I force myself to grab my nightshirt and pull it over my head until I’m covered, my hands pulling my hair from the collar as I look down at him. 

“Do you want me to sleep on the couch?” I offer, trying to ignore the bulge in his sleep pants as I run my fingers through his hair. “It might be best to - “ 

“No. Don’t you dare. We’ll behave but I want you with me tonight. I don’t want to spend another night away from you. Please.” 

"Should we set some ground rules?" I offer, raising my brow as I look down at him. 

"Just get up here and lay down with me already," he counters and pulls my hand until we're both spread out across the mattress, my head resting on his chest. "Thank you for coming back today. For taking care of me," he whispers after I shut the light off and pull the blanket over us.

"Isn't that what friends do for one another?" I respond softly, revelling in his fingers playing in my hair. I still couldn’t say it. Not just yet.

"Yeah, really good friends," he sighs in return and we finally manage to let sleep overtake us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof! Talk about a long chapter! Let's just get this one in before the deadline, shall we?


	13. Days and Days

"Blythe, what do you think you're doing checking out of the hospital without - " the voice stops, pauses, as I lift my head sleepily from the pillow and look towards the man currently standing in the halo of the hallway light. "Oh, Anne? What - oh! Oh! I didn't - sorry!" 

Bash escapes back into the hall, closing the door as I start to process through my sleep-hazed mind what's just happened. 

"I guess it's impossible for you to pretend that didn't happen and come lay back down?" Gilbert mumbles from beside me, his fingers trailing along my hip as he tries to tempt me back into the warmth of his embrace.

"Was that Bash?" I ask groggily, fighting the temptation to freak out as my nerves start to ratchet up on me. I wasn’t ready to tell everyone - we’d barely figured it out ourselves - and now Gilbert’s family knew. Out in the hallway I hear laughter, two voices whispering as I realize Mary must be here too. 

"And Mary, sounds like. Maybe they'll go away on their own," he adds hopefully, though we both knew the truth. It was time to face reality. 

"You didn't mention they were coming," I lament as I look back towards him, my hair brushing along his chest as I start to ease away. I had to put space between us or I’d never leave and that would surely result in us never living this moment down.

"I thought they were coming tomorrow, if I'm being honest. But I also realize as I say it that tomorrow is actually now today and they're perfectly on time. I blame the concussion. Charlie asked them yesterday to come down and break me out of the hospital early."

"Oh," I say, shifting to the bedside and swinging my legs over the edge to quickly start getting dressed. "If they're here to take care of you then I can go and let you visit with - "

"Don't be ridiculous, you're practically family to them," Gilbert sighs before managing to sit up with a groan, his hand gripping his side. The sight of it causes a rush of panic to fill me and I abandon putting on my pants to go to him.

"Are you okay?" I whisper, my hands lighting over his face and then down to where he's pressing into his bruise. 

"Better, much better now," he says through gritted teeth. The liar.

"Doesn't sound much better," I reply and stand up more fully to look at him head on. 

"It's just stiff and sore because the meds wore off. I promise I'm not dying," he jokes and tries to solidify his point by pushing off the bed and getting to his feet. He makes it three seconds before he curses under his breath and flops gracelessly back onto the mattress. 

"Tough guy ain't so tough now, is he?" I tease and lean over him to drop a kiss along his cheek. He groans and grapples for me until I'm pulled down to his level, his lips capturing mine in another kiss before I have to pull away to continue getting dressed. I make quick work of it and then choose a lazy Sunday outfit for him, setting it on the bed and tapping his hip. "I think maybe it's best if I have Bash take over."

"No… I want you. You're nicer to me," he moans and sits up to face me, the move a marked improvement from yesterday. "Plus I feel better when you're with me."

"Nice try. But we saw what happened yesterday with our little adventure down striptease alley and I should really get home and let you all visit," I add, our legs bumping as I stand in front of him. My body vibrates with a nervous energy, my heart beating erratically as I consider what the Lacroix's must think of me. They didn't know about us - they couldn't possibly have known - and so the very idea of Bash catching me in Gilbert's bed made me want to crawl under a rock and never face sunlight again.

"You don't have to - " He stops when my phone buzzes, the text coming through and causing him to pause as he looks up at me with a furrowed brow. I know what he's thinking, what that look of uncertainty is because he’d had it that night we went to dinner, and I refuse to let it press in on all the other doubts that spin up within me. All I can do to thwart it is open the message and read it aloud to him, my voice steady despite my current state.

"Anne - exclamation point exclamation point - I've come all this way from Avonlea and now I'm standing on your porch and you're not home; three more exclamation points," I finish and lift my hand to Gilbert's cheek, smiling down at him as my other hand turns the screen for him to read. "Your guests brought Diana with them. It's not him. It will never again be him, okay?"

"Okay," he answers softly, looking up at me with that look from yesterday, the longing one that I'd been trying to pinpoint. "Will you come back tonight? For dinner at least?" He asks then, nuzzling into my palm as the worry softens from his brow.

"Yes. But you would do well to come to terms with the fact that I can't stay over again tonight, not at least until Diana is gone," I urge to his returning scoff.

"We both know Diana would encourage it," he reminds, a chuckle escaping him. 

"I'm sure she would but she can't very well stay on your couch. Now, I'm going to open that door and we should both prepare for a solid five minutes of razzing from those two. Are you ready?"

"One more kiss first," he insists and pulls me down to press his lips to mine. 

Outside in the living room Bash and Mary are leaning against the sofa, watching the door as I try to creep through it without a sound.

"See, I wasn't imagining things!" Bash hisses to Mary's returning slap against his arm.

"Hi," I croak before nervously brushing my hands down my wrinkled shirt, attempting and failing to hide the obvious state of my existence. I was a mess. Plain and simple. 

"We didn't know - I mean, we didn't expect you to be here, Anne," Mary answers, stepping towards me quickly. I nearly withdraw before she wraps her arms around me, her hug squeezing the life from me. "But we're sure glad to see you. And I'm sure Gilbert was pleased you could, um, look after him?" She adds as she leans back, an understanding smile on her face.

"Yes. It's been an interesting couple of days," I remark uneasily. Over Mary's shoulder I see Bash hovering, his eyes trained on me as I pull back. "How are you, Bash?"

"Quite lovely now that you're here," he answers and wraps me up in his arms. "How is Blythe? Have you finally done him in?"

"No, no," I laugh, breaking away and shifting on my feet. "He's still a bit unsteady so I left him in his room. He was hoping you might help him get dressed? And they printed up instructions for his care and medication and I put them up on the fridge for you."

"Are you leaving so soon?" Mary asks then, her brow raising.

"Diana is at Patty's Place…" I answer carefully, uncertain what she was searching for with her question. I couldn’t go into details, I would die of embarrassment. 

"Oh, well, why don't we go over and get her while Bash readies Gilbert for the day? I'll save you the walk," she urges and then looks towards her husband, daring him to suggest any other plan.

"Yes - that's a great idea," Bash complies and sticks out his hand, his keys already hanging from his finger. I have to swallow nervously - clearly they’d been planning this from the moment that bedroom door closed. 

"Okay. I guess that could work." I give in with a nod, grabbing my things from the table before following Mary out of the apartment building and down to the road.

Safely buckled into the seat, the ride is silent as we head towards my house, my body tense as I keep my gaze trained out of the front window. What was I supposed to say to Mary? She was practically Gilbert’s stand-in sister. She’d known him - us - for years and now we were trying this new thing and I had no idea what that made me to her. Did she approve? Did she hate me for making him wait all these supposed years that Charlie had mentioned? I couldn’t tell and that made it worse. 

"You know we're going to have to talk about this once Diana is here, right?" Mary states as we round the block onto my street, the car starting to slow as Patty’s Place comes into view. 

"Are you sure we can't just pretend it didn't happen?" I squeak, glancing towards her and then back out the passenger window. 

"Is that what you want? To pretend?" She counters with a raised brow. I know what she's getting at and I wasn't sure that's even what I wanted - a part of me was certain it was not - and yet still I hesitated, the words on the tip of my tongue.

"No. It's just very new and I'm not sure what it is just yet. I don’t know what to call it. Or what the end game is. It was just really complicated and now it seems like maybe it’s not? And I don’t know what to do with it.” 

"My girl, it's love. Maybe it's new love but that's what it is - what it always has been with that boy. Bash knew it before they even came back to Avonlea all those years ago. He used to tell me stories of how you two kept being pen pals even when Gilbert left the Island and how that boy would get all - well, happier when he received your letters. You should hear him tell it,” she finishes as the car pulls to the side of the road. 

Outside, Diana stands from the porch and picks up her purse, walking slowly towards the car with a pensive look on her face. I open the door and climb out as she gets closer, her eyebrow raising in question before a smile widens on her lips, the excitement starting to glow from her. 

“Anne!” She shrieks, leaping towards me. I catch her up in my arms and I feel her contagious joy reverberate within me, the thrill of her presence surely doing wonders to heal my shattered nerves. “You weren’t home but now I know  _ where _ you were and it’s just - it’s just practically perfect in every way! I can’t - Anne!” 

“Diana!” I counter, leaning back to take in her expression of surprise and wonder. “Oh I’m so glad you’re here. You don’t know how glad I am to see you.” 

“Trust me, I have an inkling that we’re going to discuss everything soon enough. Mary, why don’t you come inside and we’ll have tea. I’m sure the boys will be happy enough back at Gilbert’s without us for a little while,” Diana offers, leaning around me and waving for Mary to get out of the car. 

Inside Patty’s Place I lead us towards the kitchen and start pulling mugs from the cupboards, setting water on for tea as the two women settle into the rickety kitchen chairs. I try to keep myself as busy as possible until all that’s left is watching the water boil and I have to finally face them. 

“Are you happy, Anne?” Diana asks as I lean back against the counter. I realize once again why she’s my kindred spirit, her small hopeful smile and the way she knows how to ask me just the right question to put me at ease. 

“I don’t think I can comprehend yet how happy I am,” I reply and Mary’s face brightens, her head giving me a nod of encouragement. 

“How long has this been a thing? Have you kept it from us long?” Diana continues thoughtfully and I know what she’s thinking - why haven’t I briefed her on this amazing turn of events sooner? Why was she only finding out  _ now _ ? After a mysterious accident and probably an embellished tale from Charlie?

“Only a day. Except…” I swallow my words, chickening out as the kettle starts to hiss. Turning back to the teapot I pour the water and try to delay, delay, delay. 

“Except what, Anne?” Mary presses, her voice kind. 

“We had an agreement. These last few days. It really made a mess of things and - “ 

“What kind of agreement?” Diana urges. 

“He agreed to teach me how to - um… God, it’s so stupid and you guys are going to judge me!” 

“Never!” They both reply frankly, barely letting me finish my words. 

“He was teaching me how to have sex. So I wouldn’t be Crazy Anne Shirley when I did it the first time with this guy I was interested in. But then it got - I just - we got too far in and I messed it up and then we ended it and I went out with the other guy but it was horrible and all I could think about was Gil and he was a mess too and then he got hit by that car because I was being such a fucking idiot and now he’s - now he’s  _ hurt _ but I’m feeling guilty about it but I can’t say it out loud because I’m just so  _ happy _ that I’ve finally realized how much I - I  _ love _ him,” I stumble over the last words, shock rippling through me as I look across the space at the two stunned women. They share a look and then get to their feet, hurrying to pull me into their arms and squeeze me until I can’t feel my arms. 

“Oh, my foolish darling,” Diana whispers, her lips pressing a kiss to my temple as the hug breaks and we give ourselves space to breathe. “Why would you ever propose something so ridiculous with him? Didn’t you see how he felt about you? Haven’t you seen it?” 

“No. I mean, if I did I subconsciously ignored it. But it was so stupid of me. I was so blind and I didn’t think about it until it was too late and he was already upset with me… I was such an idiot, Di,” I moan and she laughs, shaking her head. 

“You only get to blame yourself if he told you and you ignored it,” Mary adds reasonably, steering us towards the kitchen table with our cups of tea. “And I know that boy - he’s as chicken shit as the next guy when it comes to admitting his feelings sometimes. Took him years to even tell Bash that he had feelings for you so of course it would take him centuries to get up the courage to actually tell you. You can’t feel guilty for not seeing it - or for him getting hurt, for that matter. That wasn’t you driving the car and you weren’t there. Besides, he probably thought he was saying it all along but didn’t realize that what he was saying was ‘I’m a great friend, I can be trusted and relied on’ rather than ‘I’m impossibly, irrevocably in love with you’ which has, quite honestly, always been the case. He should have come out and said it and saved both of you the trouble.” 

“It’s true. All of us could see it plain on his face but he never did get around to admitting it to us any of us, at least not in the actual English language,” Diana chuckles, squeezing my hand comfortingly. “It doesn’t matter though how you got here - all that matters now is that you are. Have you told him yet? How you feel yourself?” 

“A little. I think I’m still trying to come to terms with it. When Bash walked in this morning - “ 

“I told him to knock!” Mary interjects, laughing as I shake my head. 

“When he walked in this morning I thought I would just  _ die _ . But Gil was so nonchalant about it, like we had nothing to hide and even though I was totally freaking out inside the fact that he was so - so relaxed and still happy to see me made me feel so sure of everything. Now I’m sitting here and I don’t think I’ve ever been more certain of something in my whole life.” 

“This is like a modern day fairytale romance Anne, are you sure you didn’t write this all in your head?” Diana asks with a sly smile on her lips. 

“Can we go back just to be sure?” I ask under my breath to a round of abrupt cheers, Diana and Mary clapping and hollering as though they were at a football game. 

By the time we make it back to Gilbert’s it’s nearly supper time, the apartment already smelling of delicious spices as we step into the space. Bash and Gilbert are settled in the kitchen, Bash tending a pot of vegetables as Gilbert leans against the edge of the counter. 

“We’re back!” Mary greets as we walk through the door.

“You’re up! And about!” I call to Gilbert as he stands up fully, albeit still a bit shakily. 

“Yep! Got me some of that Island medicine and now I’m practically invincible,” he adds as I move past Bash and into the small kitchen. I don’t even have a moment to debate my next move when Gilbert eases his arm around me, pulling me into his chest as he exhales a sigh of relief. “I’m glad you’re back. Did you have a good visit with the girls?” 

“A much needed one,” I respond softly, lifting my head to rest my chin on his collar. 

“Good. You feel more relaxed, at the very least,” he whispers before his fingers squeeze playfully at my side. I jump back and realize we’re alone in the space, Bash having joined Mary and Diana already to set the table. As though it was a team activity and he didn’t just want to give us some privacy. 

“How are you feeling? Better than this morning?” I ask then, meeting his eyes and trying to gauge his current state. 

“Yes. Really. And I’m not just saying that to make you stress less, Scouts honour.” 

“If you’re lying to me, Blythe,” I mutter, leaning up on my toes to reach my lips towards his. “I’m definitely going to withhold my love and affection,” I finish teasingly and ease away, grabbing his hand in mine and leading us towards the dining area where the rest of the group is settling around the table. Gilbert sputters as he follows behind me, his fingers linking tightly with mine until he has to pull out a chair. 

“Shall we dig in?” Mary asks as we ease into our seats. 

“First - I propose a toast. To not dying and finally admitting you’re not a moke,” Bash insists, raising his glass and looking across the table at Gilbert. 

“Yes. To finally letting fate catch up,” Gilbert murmurs and he only has eyes for me, a smile curling the edges of his mouth as I reach out and squeeze his thigh. 

I love him. I love him. I love him. 

* * *

Diana stays until the weekend, travelling back to the island with Bash and Mary on Friday afternoon. To say I breathe a sigh of relief is to put it mildly - my body leans back in exhaustion against the door with a heavy exhale as I look towards Gilbert standing in my front hallway. His tall frame is finally fully stable in the upright position and even though his skin is still darkened by bruises he manages to move easily through the world without the crutch of painkillers. 

“I didn’t think I would like silence as much as I do right now,” I groan, stepping away from the door until I crash into his chest. Gilbert manages to wrap his arm around me, steadying us both as his chin comes down to rest on my head. 

“You and me both. I love them but sometimes I just want to sleep without someone checking on me every three hours,” Gilbert grumbles to my returning chuckle. 

“I can only imagine. Plus, add to this the fact that obviously I somehow managed to miss you during all that chaos. I was pretty spoiled last week, having you all to myself.” 

“You’re telling me. Bash wanted to set curfew while he was here so I got enough rest. Wouldn’t even let me out for a walk after dark,” he bemoans to me, his hand grazing up and down my spine. 

“Was it because he was afraid you’d wander over here and I wouldn’t be able to get you to leave?” The thought fills me with a feeling I can’t comprehend, my body pressing in closer to his. Maybe because I wouldn’t have let him leave if he had managed to get over here in the dead of night. 

"Probably. Or that I'd come here and you'd somehow manage to break me forcing them to extend their stay on the mainland," he adds with a smile, rocking us slightly side to side.

"Break you, eh? How ever would I do that?" I question, leaning back to catch his eye. His head dips abruptly then, catching my lips in a quick kiss that conveys everything I suspected.

We barely make it up the stairs together before our hands have pulled the clothes from our backs, Gilbert managing to pull his strapped arm free with surprising efficiency as I release the belt on his pants and drop my underwear to the floor. Crashing into my room I gasp as he corners me against the edge of my desk, his hand exploring every inch that he can reach as I hop up on the solid surface to get a better advantage. 

“Where’d you put them?” He growls, his length pressing insistently between the crux of my thighs. 

“Put what?” I sigh in return, my teeth grazing his nipple and causing a shiver to run through him. 

“The condoms we bought. You still - “ 

“Oh!” I laugh, stilling my exploration to lean over and pull open a drawer. “Past Anne was clairvoyant, apparently,” I add before grabbing one of the foil packages from the box. Above me Gilbert groans, his forehead resting against mine. 

“Past Anne was a good Anne,” he remarks and I’m about to respond when he captures my lips with his, my fingers deftly taking the rubber from the package and managing to sheath him without missing a beat. Before I can even catch a breath Gilbert is aligning his length with my center, his eyes meeting mine. “Okay?” He asks softly and I smile, my heart ricocheting off my ribs as I nod and press my hands against his lower back to urge him forward. 

He eases in, slowly stretching me with every inch he slides deeper within me. It feels good, too good, and I groan at the invasion, my hands holding tightly to the back of his neck as he reaches the hilt. 

There’s a pause as he steadies his breathing, our bodies as close as possible, chest to chest and grip holding tight. His hand drops to my waist then and he withdraws, slowly, before pressing back in with a new determination. I revel in the feel of his fingers biting into my skin, my legs wrapping around his back as he works to increase his pace. He thrusts into me again and again, my hands holding me steady as each push shifts the desk below me across the wooden floor. 

“Fuck,” I groan into his ear as I shift one hand to rub at my clit. He chuckles against my neck, his hand coming up to palm my breast before his fingers pull playfully at my nipple. I gasp, lifting my chest and tightening my thighs against his hips. The sound seems to spur him and he abandons my breast, his hand reaching to pull my head close enough so that he can reach my lips with his, the kiss messy but perfect as he continues to drive into me over and over. 

I’m nearly there when he falters, slowing his movements and easing back to catch his breath. His hand cups my cheek, tilting my head to draw my eyes up to his as he continues his controlled pace within my walls. 

“ _ Gil _ ,” I moan, my lips reaching for his as he pulls back just out of reach. 

“I don’t want it to be over so quickly,” he whispers then, his palm dropping to rest over my heart. I’m sure he can feel it beating erratically, my want still building as he moves inside me. “Do you trust me?” 

Nodding, I nearly shriek when he wraps his arm around my back and lifts me from the desk. My limbs hold onto him like a vine, clinging to his torso as he moves the short distance towards my bed. 

“You didn’t need to carry me,” I laugh as he sits heavily on the mattress. 

“I didn’t want to leave you just yet,” he responds softly and his eyes catch mine, the truth of his feelings plain to see. If this was the look he’d been giving me all those years -  _ fuck _ , had I wasted so much time. 

But we won’t waste anymore. 

Gilbert shifts until his back is resting against my headboard, my body straddling his as he starts to move within me once more. This time is different than any of the other times before. There’s something in the way he watches me, how his hand lights over my skin as though he’s reverent of my very existence. His hips roll up into mine and eventually he releases a shaking moan, his lip between his teeth as sweat beads on his brow. 

“ _ Anne-girl _ ,” he whispers as I rest my head against his shoulder, revelling in the feel of him inside me, around me, in my very soul. 

“I love you,” I say almost too quietly to hear over the roar of blood in my ears. He hears it though and his arm wraps around my torso, his hand holding the back of my neck as I move to press my forehead to his. 

“I love you too,” he murmurs and then his lips meet mine. 

We move together slowly, the pressure building higher with every movement that brings us closer until we’re chest to chest with no air and no space between where I start and he begins. When I fall apart it’s like my nerves are alive, my breathing heavy as I try to stifle my cry and fail as Gilbert’s teeth nip at the skin of my exposed neck. When he follows soon after it’s with a stuttered breath and a groan that I steal from his lips. 

Slowly, we come back to one another as we share breaths and our hearts beat against one another. I feel like I was bound to float away if he didn’t tether me to the earth, his hand tangled up in my hair as he holds me against him. 

“I didn’t know it could feel like this,” he admits eventually, his fingers grazing across my temple and brushing loose strands of hair from my face. 

“You feel it too?” His smile grows as he captures his my lips with his and we roll to settle down along the sheets. 

“The delightfulness of your imaginings coming true?” He offers as he looks towards me in summer light drifting through my window. “Yes. I do.” 

“Me too. I can only imagine how sweet my dreams will be now with you next to me,” I sigh and run my fingers around the shell of his ear to draw him close and ensure the distance between us is sealed forever. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, I'm so sorry this is so late! Final touches needed to be applied and work has been an utter mess that is literally just taking everything I have. I think I clocked in 42 hours this week and my brain is toast. Forgive any spelling or logic errors - this is what happens when you expand and lean into changing a story halfway through! Thank you for sticking with me though! Only the epilogue left!


	14. The Rest

“Hey! Don’t touch my - ah! Oh gods,” Anne hisses, her hands clasping my shoulders as I hoist her up against the wall. Her legs bind themselves around my hips, her graduation gown falling open to reveal her slim frame and nothing else. 

Our graduation ceremony was only an hour away and she’d come over to my apartment like  _ this _ , a sly smile on her lips as I opened the door in surprise. 

_ “Shouldn’t you be getting ready with the girls?” I ask, wandering back towards the kitchen where I’d been fixing myself a snack.  _

_ “I thought it would be time better spent with you. I can celebrate with them tonight when we go out. Besides, I got you something,” she adds brightly as she trails me into the small space. I turn to look at her, eyes wide as I think about the engagement ring in my own graduation gown, the one that I was saving for after we crossed the stage. She hadn't been thinking the same thing, had she? _

_ “What did you get me?” I counter slowly, accepting the box from her outstretched hand. Thankfully it’s much larger than a ring box and I’m able to exhale the held breath from my lungs.  _

_ “Open it and see.”  _

_ My fingers make quick work of the wrapping, the odd size of the package confusing me until I see the picture on the box, a T-shaped device with a prescription script attached to it.  _

_ “You got me an IUD? I know English majors aren’t the best at science but you do know I don’t have a uterus, right?” I laugh to her returning slap, her eyes bright as she meets mine and that wide beautiful smile turns up towards me.  _

_ “Obviously - I guess I should have phrased it better. I got  _ us _ a gift.”  _

_ “If it’s still in the box though - “  _

_ “It’s not,” she pauses, her head nodding slightly as my eyes widen. “Remember when I had the flu a few weeks ago and you were swamped with exams? Well it wasn’t the flu. I got this thing installed and let me tell you it was a real - “  _

_ “Why didn’t you tell me? I would have come over and taken care of you?“  _

_ “Because I wanted to surprise you! That doesn’t matter though - the thing that  _ does _ matter is that all systems are go,” she finishes quickly, her fingers fiddling with the zipper top on her gown.  _

_ “Go eh? And you came over here because - “  _

_ “That wasn’t the only surprise,” she confirms my suspicions then, her hands deftly pulling the zipper down to brazenly show me her naked form underneath.  _

“Don’t touch what?” I grumble against her lips, my heart hammering out of my chest as she laughs against me. 

“My hair - it’s already done and I don’t want it ruined,” she affirms before returning her lips to mine. I moan against her mouth and squeeze her waist with my hands, revelling in the way she rotates her hips against me. I can feel myself hardening and I nearly fall over when she drops her hands between us, her fingers quickly working at the fastenings of my pants. 

“You come over here, dressed - or should I say not dressed? - expecting me not to ruffle your hair? Jesus Anne-girl, you’re lucky you still have your wits about you,” I tease before nipping at her shoulder. 

“I don’t  _ want _ my wits anymore. I’m a  _ graduate _ , I don’t need them. Please, fuck them out of me, Gil,” she whispers into my ear and I practically lose it right there. 

It’s been just over a year since the agreement that somehow brought us together. One year full of new discoveries, arguments and understandings, desire that stretched across days and weeks and months that eventually found its way to a love that seemed unshakeable. When she whispered her love for me that first time - the time when we were joined and she was held against me all soft edges and strawberries and cream skin - I thought I had reached the precipice. But there were many days after it that I realized loving Anne was only half the joy - Anne loving  _ you _ was the magical part. 

“Anne Shirley, when did you get to be so filthy?” I chide as my pants finally ease from my hips, releasing my length from the cotton cage between us. 

“Oh, about a year ago when some bloke taught me how to come repeatedly after we stopped playing by some stupid rules. It’s been a learning curve ever since,” she replies as my hand rubs my tip between her folds. It makes her gasp, her fingers biting into my shoulder as she tightens her legs around me. 

“Funny, that’s about the same time I gave up on trying to be proper,” I joke, tilting her chin up so I can look her in the eye.

_ Anne shifts against me in the low evening light, her fingers grazing over my chest and drawing little patterns over my heart. Yesterday I'd been sure she was lost to me, Roy's voice on the other end of the phone like a cold bucket of water.  _

_ "You didn't win this round, Blythe. I'm the one who's getting his dick wet tonight. I'd appreciate you take this like a man and let me get it in before you call again, alright?" _

_ I'd spent the night walking the line between hurt and jealous rage, every beer making me swing more in the opposite direction from the last until Charlie stepped in and sent me home. _

_ "What are you even talking about?" He'd barked over the music, a frown on his face. _

_ "She sounded - I don't know! Her voicemail - I need to go," I'd shouted before taking off out of the bar. I'd stumbled too unsteadily though and the oncoming car mirror clipped my arm, knocking me to the ground. The last thing I remembered before I hit the pavement was the way she'd looked as I stood in my kitchen just the few days before. Lost. Confused. Like maybe she finally understood what neither of us could say aloud. _

_ But I'd woken up with a confused mind, the paramedics pulling at me and asking me questions after question as my head pounded. All I could think about was Anne. If she was okay. If Roy was still there. If she loved me the way I loved her. It all seemed a blur until I woke up later that afternoon, the scrambled pieces starting to click back together as Anne brushed the hair back from my face.  _

_ Now she was spread out alongside me and I couldn't find the words to communicate how I was feeling because it was all too big for that moment.  _

The memory sparks fresh in my mind’s eye, the image of Anne in my arms causing a thrill in my blood. So much had solidified since that day and now we were here, about to graduate and still so tangled up in one another. 

“Anne,” I pause as she looks at me with a hooded gaze, her lips bruised and her cheeks flushed. I needed to be sure she was ready for this step. Though it seemed so inconsequential after all this time I couldn’t help my need to check in with her. We were in this together and I’d promised her this. I’d promised her everything. 

“I trust the IUD. I trust you to be clean. I  _ trust _ you to stick with me even if things go awry. I’m so sure about this, Gil,” she murmurs and lets her fingers graze over my cheek in a comforting gesture. “Now unless you have different reservations, I’d really like to feel you inside of me before I lose my goddamn mind or we’re late for the ceremony.” 

I can no more hold back than I can turn her away, my body tensing as I push myself inside her warm embrace. The sound she makes as I fill her - the tiny hiccup of breath - nearly has me unravelling as I feel her walls tighten around me with no barrier for the first time since that brief slip in the shower all those months ago. It feels otherworldly and I have to take a moment to still, my hands and body trapping her against the wall as I try not to come apart right then and there. 

“I love you, I  _ love _ you,” she whispers, her mouth at my temple as she rocks against my hips, stirring me on. 

Eventually I join in her movements, slow to pull out and push back in, the sounds of her slick heat like a soundtrack to the wet dreams that had plagued me for years before I’d finally come clean about my feelings. It’s the moans though that urge me faster, the hot pants of her breath against my neck, the way her teeth nip and how her tongue grazes afterward like a balm. I try to keep myself from losing it too quickly but I can barely hold on, thrusting myself into her like a man starved for air. 

“Fuck, Gil,” she whimpers as her nipples drag across my chest, her arms holding tight to me as I hold her against the wall and push my length deeper inside. I can’t help myself and I reach up a hand to her already ruined hair, pulling out the precarious pins and watching the cascade of red fall to her shoulders. 

It isn’t the feel of her around me that makes me eventually fall apart. It’s the way she bites her lip between her teeth, how her freckles glow against the flush of her cheeks, and how she moans my name as she comes around me. Her body tenses in my arms and I feel her shudder from the inside out as she cries my name into my ear. That’s all it takes to lose it and I groan, spearing her as far as I can go and letting my body empty itself inside of her for the first time. 

We drop unceremoniously to the floor when my legs can no longer hold us up, Anne’s frame cradled against me as she runs her fingers softly through my hair. I stay in her for as long as I can, revelling in the feel of her body’s aftershocks until eventually I slip out. The loss of her around me feels foreign and I wonder how my brain had switched so quickly to think she felt like home. 

“Was it a good gift?” She mumbles as her head rolls lazily back against the wall. My lips trail a path of kisses across her chest, up her chin to her mouth before I nuzzle in closer. 

“You’re always the best gift, Anne-girl,” I sigh to her resulting chuckle, her arms gentle as they pull me against her chest. 

“I'll take that as a yes. Are you ready to graduate, Mr Blythe?” She asks eventually, drawing back to look at me head on. She looks beautiful, even with her hair ruined, and I can barely stop myself from proposing right then. This woman would be my wife, she would bear my children and be there through thick and thin. I loved her more than I could put into words at that moment.

"As long as you're with me I'm ready for anything," I respond softly, cupping her chin in my palms. 

We sit there together for another moment before Anne finally, reluctantly, gets to her feet, pulling at my hands and dragging me up from my place on the floor. We dress alongside one another and when I'm finished, dressed in my best suit, I help her try to pin her hair back into something resembling the design she'd had before. 

"I'm sorry I ruined it," I lament as she looks at me over her shoulder in the mirror.

"It's okay. I like the look of you on me." The smile on her lips is beaming and I can't resist pulling her against me, our lips meeting in a kiss that I feel in my bones. I loved this woman. I loved her, I love her. "We need to get going or else we'll miss it!" She finally says, breaking apart and drifting her fingers along my cheek.

"I've still got medical school - I can miss this graduation, I’ll have another one," I whisper into her ear, her resounding laugh echoing in me. That  _ laugh _ .  _ Gods, I was doomed for her _ . 

"I know, but what will they say if the head of the class is absent for her walk across the stage?" She questions brightly, backing up towards my front door as she leads me slowly by the hand. 

"He's a lucky man." 

"She's a lucky woman, more like."

"Both are equal and true," I affirm and watch her bump into the wall, an impish smile filling her features as she tries to pretend like it didn’t happen, her hand brushing loose strands of hair from her face. I let my eyes drift over her, the way they once did on her bedroom floor when I knew I was lost to her. The same thought then strikes me again now. "You're beautiful, you know that, right?"

"I love you too, Gilbert." Is all she replies, her answer reminding me that we were finally speaking the same language. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, here it is. The end. We're here and it's tragic that it's over but that's how it goes. I promise to have another story on the horizon at some point but for now I need to focus on another piece that needs to get done. Until then, enjoy the delightful new season and please, feel free to connect with me on Tumblr at lollercakesff :) 
> 
> Love you all!

**Author's Note:**

> lol.
> 
> Hopefully this doesn't go too awry.


End file.
